1 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,779 Okay. 2 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:57,868 - You taking off? - Yeah. 3 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,333 - All right. - Mysterious. 4 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:07,836 Happy Valentine's Day. 5 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:49,878 - Say, hey, my man. - Hey, what's up, Tom? 6 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:57,719 - Thanks, Tom. - Happy Valentine's Day. 7 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,327 What do you mean you're leaving me? 8 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,329 You can't leave me until you're actually here to leave. 9 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:08,332 Yes, I'm gonna argue semantics, Sara. It's the least I can do. 10 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,334 I come home on Valentine's Day... 11 00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:12,336 ...with two bags ready to go by the door... 12 00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:15,339 ...and a Dear John telling me you need space? 13 00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:16,386 Come on, what is that? 14 00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:18,342 That is totally unoriginal... 15 00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,509 ...and completely devoid of any real information... 16 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:23,347 ...that would give me some insight to why you're doing this. 17 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:25,349 Yes, I wanna know. I'm asking you, right? 18 00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:29,311 I'm not yelling. I'm just speaking pointedly to make my point. 19 00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:32,314 Fuck the neighbors. It's 2:00 in the morning on a Saturday night. 20 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:35,317 Fuck them if they don't have a social life. No. 21 00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:37,319 Sara, listen, don't leave me. 22 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:40,322 You can't leave me. I've done everything I know how to do. 23 00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:42,369 I've given you every ounce of my heart and soul. 24 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:45,327 I've given more of myself to you than I've given anybody. 25 00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:47,329 And now you're just gonna walk out? 26 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:51,333 You're just gonna throw me away like that and not even tell me why? 27 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,335 Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be here. 28 00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:59,341 I invited half the bar over to help us celebrate Valentine's Day, remember? 29 00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:04,346 Okay, all right. Well, then I'll see you when you get here. 30 00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:06,765 Bye. 31 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,790 Fuck. 32 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:45,345 Christ, Tommy, you left five minutes too soon. 33 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:48,348 Seriously, five minutes. Unbelievable. Where are the girls? 34 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,350 - What? - Didn't you invite chicks to this? 35 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,357 - No, that's not what this is about. - Oh, Christ. Thank God I did, huh? 36 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,314 - What? - Broads, skirts. 37 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,317 I got a gang of girls coming in 15 minutes. Be prepared. 38 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,324 - You don't understand. - You don't understand. 39 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:03,322 After what happened to me, I'm not sitting around... 40 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:06,325 ...sword fighting on Valentine's Day. I need chicks, and now. 41 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,327 - Why? What happened? - You remember Charlotte, right? 42 00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:11,330 - Which one's Charlotte? - One with the thing. 43 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:14,333 - The fucked-up Peter Falk eye. - Oh, yeah, sure, she was nice. 44 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,335 - I threw her out. - Threw her out? Why? 45 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:20,339 Lt got embarrassing taking her out, always that eye looming out at you. 46 00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:22,466 I'm telling you, that thing had a mind of its own. 47 00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:25,344 - It made me feel self-conscious. - Made you feel self-conscious? 48 00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:28,347 You believe that? Me. Chocolates, you shouldn't have. 49 00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:31,350 You can't be with someone you're ashamed to be seen with. 50 00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:34,311 It's not practical. You spend so much time going places... 51 00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:37,314 ...that you never go, trying not to run into people you know. 52 00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:38,315 Lt doesn't make any sense. 53 00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:41,318 Besides, she wasn't exactly sending rockets to the moon either. 54 00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:42,445 - Why? - She informed me... 55 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,321 ...that the world doesn't evolve around me. 56 00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,323 She said "evolve." 57 00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:49,326 And you didn't try to tell her your theory of revolution? 58 00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:50,327 - No, I cut her off. - You cut her off. 59 00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:53,330 - She was starting to get clingy. - Who you trying to convince? 60 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:56,333 You know how they get. "Honey, this, " "honey, that." 61 00:06:56,500 --> 00:07:00,337 I thought I was turning into a bee. Anyways, I cut her off on the phone. 62 00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:03,340 - On the phone? - On the phone. 63 00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,342 - How'd she take it? - I don't know. 64 00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:10,347 I asked her if she'd met Tone, she said no, you know the rest: 65 00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:11,354 That's horrible, Sal. 66 00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:13,356 - You said this girl was nice. - My dog's nice. 67 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:16,311 - Don't see me talking dirty to her. - I wouldn't tell anybody. 68 00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,313 Butch ain't the spitting image of Columbo. 69 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,315 - Give me a beer. - So that was today. 70 00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:22,317 Tonight, I'm at the bar... 71 00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:24,484 ...she comes in with this muscle-bound beach guy... 72 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:26,321 ...trying to make me jealous. Me. 73 00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:29,324 Gino points them out. I'm sauced up at this point. 74 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:30,371 I walk over and I say: 75 00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:33,328 "You're not really with this hippie-fied fag, are you?" 76 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,330 He says, "What'd you say?" 77 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:38,333 I pulled back my jacket enough so he can see my piece and said: 78 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:42,337 "I just called you a cockeyed-loving, biscuit-lipped, hippie-fied-looking fag. 79 00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,424 - What are you gonna do?" - Shit. What did he do? 80 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:47,342 What can he do? Turned white as a ghost... 81 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:50,345 ...and made like Ralph Kramden: 82 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:51,512 So I go back to drinking. 83 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,349 Gino comes over later and says, "Will you look at that?" 84 00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:58,312 And there is Fabio making out with Columbo all over my bar. 85 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:01,315 Whatever. So I finish up my whiskey, and I walk over. 86 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,318 - I slap Tarzan on the face and I say: - Holy shit. 87 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,404 "Antonio Banderas, you're kissing my old girl." 88 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:10,324 And he says, "Yeah?" I say, "Yeah. How's my cock taste?" 89 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,325 Holy shit. 90 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,328 I strolled out, grabbed myself a bottle of Maker's... 91 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,330 ...and here I am. 92 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:20,334 Holy shit. And she was kissing that Fabio guy right there in front of you? 93 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:21,335 Yeah. 94 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:23,337 - You just broke up? - I broke up with her. 95 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,340 Why do they do that? They're supposed to be sensitive. 96 00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:28,342 - Women fucking suck. - You think so? 97 00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:30,344 But few suck well. 98 00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,346 I can't tell you the last time I had a decent blowjob. 99 00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,348 I admit it is a lost art. 100 00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:38,352 I stop them half the time. I'm like "Yo, it ain't a fucking artichoke, all right?" 101 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:39,311 - Totally. - Funny thing is... 102 00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:42,314 ...these women think they're fantastic at it. 103 00:08:42,481 --> 00:08:44,316 I cannot tell you how many times I've heard: 104 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:47,319 "Oh, baby, you cannot handle me, I will rock your world." 105 00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:50,322 Then it comes time to close the deal and it's like Flipper on Prozac. 106 00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:54,326 Have you ever had a dead-fish fuck? I would rather have a root canal. 107 00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:56,328 These women think just being present... 108 00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:58,330 ...is all it takes for bedroom artistry. 109 00:08:58,497 --> 00:09:01,333 Maybe that works for a guy that gets laid every leap year... 110 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:05,337 ...but for a guy like me, a dead-fish fuck could have severe ramifications. 111 00:09:05,504 --> 00:09:07,384 I can't believe she pulled a high-school move... 112 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:09,341 ...and brought a date to your bar. 113 00:09:09,508 --> 00:09:13,345 That violates two of the "nevers" in the Geneva Convention of breaking up. 114 00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:17,349 The first of which is that you never, under any circumstances ever... 115 00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:20,352 ...are you to hang out in your ex's stomping grounds... 116 00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:21,399 ...after you break up! 117 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:22,399 It's a big city, right? 118 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:24,314 Why does she have to hang out in our bar? 119 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:27,317 - She never used to hang out there. - You're right. 120 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,484 What, there's not a million other bars in the city? 121 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:32,322 We don't want her there. She's not welcome. 122 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:33,323 Hell, no. 123 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,325 You don't see us hanging out at LensCrafters, do you? 124 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:38,328 That is only second to the most heinous of violations... 125 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:41,331 ...the fact that you just broke up this morning. 126 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:42,332 I broke up with her. 127 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:45,335 You dumped that Sandy Duncan Cyclops this morning. 128 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,337 She comes into our LensCrafters on a date? 129 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,340 Isn't there some statute of limitations, or time variable... 130 00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:52,427 ...or something that makes that unconstitutional? 131 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:55,345 - It is fucking bullshit, Tommy. - Fucking bullshit, Sal! 132 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,347 Keep it down. You're gonna wake Karen. 133 00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:59,349 She'll be here with Frankenstein gear on. 134 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:02,352 Kenny! Speaking of Frankenstein, how is your wife? 135 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,313 - Sal broke up with Charlotte. - Which one? 136 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:08,317 The black fellow that used to perform with Dean Martin. 137 00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,324 Yeah, she was nice. You two not see eye to eye? 138 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,321 Does Karen wear that green mud on her face? 139 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,323 - Yes. - You don't take one look... 140 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,325 ...and get the shit scared out of you? 141 00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,327 That's how she keeps her skin young. 142 00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:20,413 If that's true, I wish she'd put some on her ass. 143 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:24,333 There should be some vow which covers ass size after "I do." 144 00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:27,336 - Like an insurance policy. - Brilliant, ass insurance. 145 00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:30,339 - There's more for you to love. - Easy for you to say. 146 00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:34,343 Sara works out five days a week. 147 00:10:34,510 --> 00:10:36,345 - What? - What'd I say? 148 00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:37,346 What happened? 149 00:10:37,513 --> 00:10:40,349 Apparently, she'll be working on her arms this evening... 150 00:10:40,516 --> 00:10:43,352 ...when she carries those two suitcases out that door. 151 00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:45,312 - What? Say, "I swear to God." - No. 152 00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:49,316 It's true. Three years and I come home to a Dear John... 153 00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:51,318 ...and those suitcases sitting by the door. 154 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:54,321 She's on her way over. I have no idea what I'm gonna do. 155 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,368 - Dear John. - On Valentine's Day. Unbelievable. 156 00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:58,325 I'm sick. 157 00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:01,328 I gave Sara three years of my life. Three good years. 158 00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:04,331 I mean, sure, we had our problems, everybody does. 159 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,334 Lt was mostly good times. That's how you're supposed to tell. 160 00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:10,461 I mean, nobody's perfect, but as long as the good times outweigh the bad... 161 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,340 ...that's what's supposed to count, right? 162 00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:16,387 Unless she didn't see it that way. Unless I really didn't make her happy. 163 00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:18,345 That's bullshit, Tommy. 164 00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,512 Since when is it a man's job to make a woman happy? 165 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:21,348 - Want this? - Don't think so. 166 00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:25,352 My point is, you were happy, right? For three years, you were happy. 167 00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:28,313 You know what I'd give for that? This, my right arm. 168 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,316 Look at me. I'm a lonely, drunken, misogynistic asshole... 169 00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:34,319 ...who goes from one empty relationship to another... 170 00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:39,324 ...whose only solace is found at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. 171 00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:41,326 I can't remember a time in my life when I was happy... 172 00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:44,329 ...for three consecutive days, let alone three years. 173 00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:47,332 Are you kidding me? You know whose fault that is? Mine. 174 00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,334 Because I'm responsible for my own happiness. 175 00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:52,337 If Sara wasn't happy, that is her own fucking problem. 176 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,424 She didn't do the things that she needed to do... 177 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:57,342 ...to make sure she was happy. You're not Dionne Warwick. 178 00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:00,345 You're not a mind reader. You're not a psychic friend. 179 00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:02,432 You're Tom Reilly, one of the best people I know. 180 00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:07,352 And if she can't see that, then she needs to go to LensCrafters. 181 00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:10,314 Why does it hurt so bad, huh? Why do I feel like I wanna die inside? 182 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,317 - Because you're beautiful. - He's right, you're beautiful. 183 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:16,320 I'm not a fag, but you're like a real person. You are a man. 184 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:19,323 You think if I knew Karen was gonna leave... 185 00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:22,326 ...I wouldn't be down here asking you two how I could get her back? 186 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:25,329 - Christ, Sal too. - You had me until you brought Sal in. 187 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:27,415 Very funny. What, you don't think I got feelings? 188 00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:30,334 You don't think I'm sensitive? Let me tell you. 189 00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:33,337 I got more feelings in my nut than you two schoolgirls together. 190 00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,339 - Come on now! - Here we go again. 191 00:12:35,506 --> 00:12:37,341 I know. I know what they say about me. 192 00:12:37,508 --> 00:12:39,343 I know what they say about guys like me. 193 00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:43,347 - They say we're pigs, that we're dogs. - Ln your defense, they don't exclude. 194 00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:45,349 I've been married five years. My wife still says it. 195 00:12:45,516 --> 00:12:47,351 They don't exclude. They say "all." 196 00:12:47,518 --> 00:12:51,313 "All men are pigs. All men are dogs. All men are scum." 197 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:55,317 They talk and talk their little asses off about what monsters we are. 198 00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:57,319 They don't understand they're the ones... 199 00:12:57,486 --> 00:13:00,322 ...that created the Frankensteins they abhor. 200 00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:02,324 - Frankenstein's a whore? - Leave my wife out of this. 201 00:13:02,491 --> 00:13:04,326 Laugh all you want, but I'm serious. 202 00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:07,329 Every womanizer, every player, every guy juggling three broads... 203 00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:10,332 ...at the same time is only doing so out of fear. 204 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:13,335 Fear of being crushed by a woman. 205 00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:16,338 Because one day, back in the day, they were not a player. 206 00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:19,341 - They liked one girl, just one. - They gave it up to her. 207 00:13:19,508 --> 00:13:21,343 They gave it up to her. Right. 208 00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:23,345 They gave it up because they were romantics. 209 00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:26,348 They gave it up to the girl they loved and what happened? 210 00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:28,350 They got rocked or crushed or destroyed. 211 00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:31,311 They got cheated on or laughed at or something. 212 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:34,314 When they finished picking up the pieces of their heart... 213 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,315 ...you know what they said? 214 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:38,318 - Every single one made a vow. - Never to give it up again. 215 00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,320 That's right. Never to give it up again. 216 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,322 Now we're talking about the real bastards. 217 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,324 Guys that break hearts occupationally. 218 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:48,328 Originally, those cats were the most beautiful and romantic of all. 219 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:49,416 You know what happened? 220 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,332 They're the ones that got hurt worst of all. 221 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,335 - Because you never get over it. - No, God, no! 222 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,338 You never get over it. Yes, you recover. 223 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,340 But you never get over it. What happened? 224 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,342 When they all recovered, you know what they all said? 225 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:06,346 They all said, "Okay, I see. All right. 226 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,348 If that's how it is, I can play that way." 227 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:12,352 So you see, we are all responsible for the cycle of the vicious circle. 228 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,314 - So you're saying you're afraid? - Absolutely. 229 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:21,320 I ain't never getting my heart broken again like I did when I was 16. 230 00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:24,323 But why? Why do people hurt each other like that? 231 00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:27,326 Why don't they just take care of each other's feelings? It's so easy. 232 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,333 Because people are selfish and they don't care. 233 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:32,331 I mean, look, we've all done it, right? 234 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:35,334 We've been in that situation where we're with another woman. 235 00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:37,336 We know what we're about to do is wrong... 236 00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:40,339 ...that if we do this, it's gonna hurt somebody we care for badly. 237 00:14:40,506 --> 00:14:42,341 It'll ruin everything, everything. 238 00:14:42,508 --> 00:14:44,343 All the years of work that we put into it... 239 00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:46,345 ...in some cases children, families... 240 00:14:46,512 --> 00:14:50,349 ...and yet we look, we've got this young, hot piece of ass in front of us. 241 00:14:50,516 --> 00:14:53,352 At that moment, we throw everything away and we do it anyway. 242 00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:55,312 We do it anyway. We know it's gonna kill our wife... 243 00:14:55,479 --> 00:14:58,315 ...or girlfriend or whatever, but we do it anyway. 244 00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:01,318 And that, my friends, is why we're all so fucked up. 245 00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:02,445 Because we do it anyway. 246 00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:05,322 We think the grass is greener somewhere else. 247 00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:08,325 The better deal is around the corner ready to present itself. 248 00:15:08,492 --> 00:15:10,327 And we forget what good friends we have right here... 249 00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:13,330 ...and that the grass is pretty fucking nice right here. 250 00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:16,333 But we're not kind, for the most part, are we? 251 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,335 We're not strong, we're certainly not wise... 252 00:15:18,502 --> 00:15:20,422 ...so we throw away people who are most valuable. 253 00:15:20,504 --> 00:15:23,340 We waste them, like we have them to waste. And, Sal... 254 00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:26,343 ...if you keep doing it, you're gonna wake up one day and be old. 255 00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,345 You're gonna be alone, or worse... 256 00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:32,349 ...stuck with some vacuous, one-eyed stripper who you can't talk to. 257 00:15:32,516 --> 00:15:34,351 You wanna put a bullet in your head. 258 00:15:34,518 --> 00:15:36,319 You missed the great ones that you once had... 259 00:15:36,478 --> 00:15:39,314 ...and that you threw away. 260 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:41,316 - That's horrible. - Frightening. 261 00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:43,318 Almost enough to make you wanna turn gay. 262 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:47,322 Oh, my God, I'm so excited, I'm harder than Chinese math. 263 00:15:47,489 --> 00:15:49,324 - Someone get me a Red Bull. - Wayne! 264 00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:50,491 - Hey. - You got my message. 265 00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:53,328 - You didn't tell me she was coming. - Where you been? 266 00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:56,331 - I've been calling you. - Ln Hawaii, planning a wedding. 267 00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:57,332 They're legalizing gay marriages. 268 00:15:57,499 --> 00:16:00,335 They're so smart. It's gonna boom their economy. 269 00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:01,336 The world needs Samoan fags. 270 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:04,339 A wedding. Who's getting married? Anyone we know? 271 00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,341 - Yeah, silly, me. - Get out. 272 00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:08,468 - What are you talking about? - His name is Kwame. 273 00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:10,345 He's from the Virgin lslands. 274 00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:12,472 Let me tell you, sweetheart, after this weekend... 275 00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:15,350 ...that boy is definitely not a virgin, okay? 276 00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:18,312 Anyway, he's on his way over here right now... 277 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,314 ...because I wanted you to meet him. 278 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,480 - Are you out of your mind? - You are so fucked up. 279 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:26,320 You're getting married. That's terrific. I don't know what to say. 280 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,321 Say you'll come and be my best man. 281 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,324 - Are you serious? - Yes, who else would I choose? 282 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:36,205 Bring Sara down with you and the four of us will have a blast. 283 00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,496 - What? What did I say? - You said plenty, asshole. 284 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,335 - Our boy got dumped tonight. - What? Why? 285 00:16:41,502 --> 00:16:42,336 She said she needed space. 286 00:16:42,503 --> 00:16:45,339 That ho didn't think she had enough between her legs? 287 00:16:45,506 --> 00:16:46,340 - Wayne. - I'm sorry. 288 00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:49,343 But nobody breaks my Tommy's heart. 289 00:16:49,510 --> 00:16:51,345 I never liked her anyway. She's an actress. 290 00:16:51,512 --> 00:16:55,349 - "Oh, hi, Sara, how are you?" - "Oh, me, me, me." 291 00:16:55,516 --> 00:16:57,351 I swear, I'd ask her how she was doing... 292 00:16:57,518 --> 00:17:00,312 ...and she'd tell me how she once got a callback for Matlock. 293 00:17:00,479 --> 00:17:03,315 That's a woman who thinks her worth is determined by her résumé. 294 00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:05,317 You can't deal with that. 295 00:17:05,484 --> 00:17:08,320 You need someone that thinks about you, that'll take care of you. 296 00:17:08,487 --> 00:17:10,487 - Someone who's nurturing. - Yeah, nurturing bitches. 297 00:17:10,489 --> 00:17:13,325 I love me some nurturing bitches. They're the best. 298 00:17:13,492 --> 00:17:15,327 They gotta be good-looking too. 299 00:17:15,494 --> 00:17:18,330 I can't be dealing with no ugly bitches. Know what I'm saying? 300 00:17:18,497 --> 00:17:22,334 This is God's way of trying to tell you you're supposed to be dating men. 301 00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:24,336 Sure, that's what I need, a nice hairy ass. 302 00:17:24,503 --> 00:17:27,339 - That'll solve everything. - Don't start with that faggot shit. 303 00:17:27,506 --> 00:17:30,342 - I don't wanna hear it. - Lt was a joke. I was kidding. 304 00:17:30,509 --> 00:17:31,430 You do it all the time. 305 00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:35,347 It's all part of the mind-meld faggot shit you fags pull all the time. 306 00:17:35,514 --> 00:17:37,349 I can see the shit coming all the way from Cleveland. 307 00:17:37,516 --> 00:17:40,352 - Sal. - Don't think I'm not onto you, Wayne. 308 00:17:40,519 --> 00:17:42,320 You throw something here, say something there. 309 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,320 Drop a line about this, an innuendo about that. 310 00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:47,317 You fuck-o's plant the seed, and next, everyone's sucking dick. 311 00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,319 - Come on, Sal. - Oh, come on, my ass. 312 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:52,322 - Oh, I'd love to, but I'm engaged. - You see what I mean? 313 00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:55,325 You fags are like Jehovah's Witnesses or vampires. 314 00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:57,327 As soon as one of you thinks you're gay... 315 00:17:57,494 --> 00:18:00,330 ...you want everyone else in the world to be gay too. 316 00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:01,331 Think they're gay? 317 00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:04,334 No. First of all, I don't think I'm gay, Sal, I am gay. 318 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,381 And secondly, I don't want you to convert, okay? 319 00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:08,338 I wouldn't wish that on any man. 320 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:12,342 I was simply trying to get Tom's mind off the subject of women. 321 00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,344 You guys are so pathetic, I bet before I got here... 322 00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:17,347 ...that's all you were talking about. 323 00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:19,349 Of course it was. Look at yourselves! 324 00:18:19,516 --> 00:18:23,312 You are worse than a bunch of girls. Every straight man I know... 325 00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:25,438 ...spends their time talking about sports, cars... 326 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,318 ...or their careers, where they wanna travel to, the last fight they got into. 327 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:32,321 Something. Even if it's mundane and prehistoric... 328 00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:33,322 ...it's something other than women. 329 00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:36,325 Have you ever overheard a conversation between women? 330 00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:38,327 What is it always about? Men. That's it. 331 00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:42,331 That's all they ever talk about. And you guys are worse than them. 332 00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:45,334 I wonder if there's a set of balls between the three of you. 333 00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:48,337 I can only handle being chastised by a fag for so long... 334 00:18:48,504 --> 00:18:51,340 ...at least as long as my father's on this earth. 335 00:18:51,507 --> 00:18:52,347 That's really clever. 336 00:18:52,508 --> 00:18:55,344 Why don't you go gay bashing with your hoodlum friends... 337 00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:57,346 ...save us the subtlety of your innuendo? 338 00:18:57,513 --> 00:19:00,349 If I do, I'm gonna start with you, you big queen. 339 00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:02,351 I mean, who hell are you anyways... 340 00:19:02,518 --> 00:19:05,312 ...you confused, fucked-up, backwards cocksucker? 341 00:19:05,479 --> 00:19:08,315 Think you know who you are because you can express yourself? 342 00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:11,318 Because you're out of the closet and can be the real you? 343 00:19:11,485 --> 00:19:12,319 - Come on, Sal. - Fuck that, Tommy. 344 00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:14,321 I'm not supposed to say anything... 345 00:19:14,488 --> 00:19:16,323 ...because as a white, heterosexual male... 346 00:19:16,490 --> 00:19:19,326 ...I'm wrong about everything from jump street. 347 00:19:19,493 --> 00:19:23,330 I know that. I know I can't win. But you see this kid here? 348 00:19:23,497 --> 00:19:25,332 This kid used to be one of my best friends. 349 00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:27,334 All of a sudden, he turns swish on me? Okay? 350 00:19:27,501 --> 00:19:29,336 Now he tells me he's gonna marry a man. 351 00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:31,338 I gotta sit here and pretend I dig that? 352 00:19:31,505 --> 00:19:34,341 I don't even know how to fucking deal with that. 353 00:19:34,508 --> 00:19:36,349 And maybe I've had too much to drink tonight... 354 00:19:36,510 --> 00:19:39,346 ...and maybe I'll apologize to Wayne-o in the morning... 355 00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:43,350 ...but for right now, I'm gonna rip him a new fucking asshole. 356 00:19:43,517 --> 00:19:45,352 - That sounds fun. - Verbally, you pervert. 357 00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:47,312 Let me explain something to you. 358 00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:51,316 You are not gay, okay? You understand? 359 00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:54,319 You were born a man, and Mother Nature does not fuck up. 360 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:58,323 Being gay's not physical, it's mental. It's a psychological situation. 361 00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:00,410 Look, you were probably molested as a little kid. 362 00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:02,327 You got fucked up about your sexuality... 363 00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:05,330 ...when you hit puberty, and you thought to yourself: 364 00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:07,332 "My gosh, I must be gay." Well, you're not. 365 00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:09,334 You were born a little boy. 366 00:20:09,501 --> 00:20:14,339 You didn't speak with that lisp, that fucking... thing either. 367 00:20:14,506 --> 00:20:17,342 You're putting that on like an accent. That is an affectation. 368 00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:19,344 When you were a kid, you didn't act all fruity like now. 369 00:20:19,511 --> 00:20:23,348 Don't forget, Wayne-o, I've known you since elementary school. 370 00:20:23,515 --> 00:20:25,475 Lt is a proven fact that some people are born gay. 371 00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:29,313 It's not psychological, it's physical. A portion of the brain... 372 00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:31,315 - Which portion? - The thalamus or something. 373 00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:33,317 - Or something? - The hypothalamus. 374 00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:35,319 - The hypothalamus? - I don't know! 375 00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:39,323 Some certain stem in the brain grows different in the brain of gay men. 376 00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:40,324 - It's a proven fact. - Says who? 377 00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:42,326 - Says doctors. - Which doctors? 378 00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:44,328 - Medical doctors. - Still vague. 379 00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:46,330 No, I'm not. Medical doctors have proven... 380 00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:47,456 - Know their names? - What? 381 00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:50,334 You heard me, motherfucker. Don't stall for time. 382 00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:53,337 Do you know their names or did you hear it's a proven fact? 383 00:20:53,504 --> 00:20:56,340 I heard about it, okay, but everybody knows... 384 00:20:56,507 --> 00:20:58,342 You heard about it, but everybody knows. 385 00:20:58,509 --> 00:21:00,344 I see. Very interesting. 386 00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:03,347 You heard about it, but everybody knows it's a proven fact. 387 00:21:03,514 --> 00:21:05,349 Sounds like a rumor to me. 388 00:21:05,516 --> 00:21:09,311 See, I happen to know the name of the doctor that said he proved that theory. 389 00:21:09,478 --> 00:21:12,314 I also know the name of the doctors that corroborated the story. 390 00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:15,317 Can I hip you to a bit of potentially earth-shattering information? 391 00:21:15,484 --> 00:21:18,320 They're all gay. 392 00:21:18,487 --> 00:21:23,325 All of them. Dr. Lipshits, Dipshits, and motherfucking Mipshits... 393 00:21:23,492 --> 00:21:26,328 ...are motherfuckers who unethically used their status as doctors... 394 00:21:26,495 --> 00:21:29,331 ...to further their own anally suggestive ends. 395 00:21:29,498 --> 00:21:32,334 He's actually right. They did a whole exposé on those three doctors. 396 00:21:32,501 --> 00:21:35,337 - I read the article about it in the Times. - Can you believe that? 397 00:21:35,504 --> 00:21:38,340 Motherfuckers telling people they got weird shit... 398 00:21:38,507 --> 00:21:41,343 ...growing in their brain so they start sucking dick. 399 00:21:41,510 --> 00:21:44,346 I don't care if a motherfucker told me I had a tree growing in my head. 400 00:21:44,513 --> 00:21:48,350 Ain't no way this motherfucker's ever gonna start sucking dick. 401 00:21:48,517 --> 00:21:51,311 Can you imagine that conversation? "Excuse me, Mr. Johnson? 402 00:21:51,478 --> 00:21:52,312 We have bad news and good news. 403 00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:53,313 The bad news is... 404 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,316 ...we found some weird growth in your cortex. 405 00:21:56,483 --> 00:22:00,320 The good news is, you can start sucking dick immediately." 406 00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:03,323 - All right, that's enough. - Fuck that, Tommy. 407 00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:05,325 That's enough. Guys, come on. 408 00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:07,327 We're supposed to be happy for Wayne tonight. 409 00:22:07,494 --> 00:22:09,329 He's getting married. And it's a big deal. 410 00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:12,332 I don't care if he's marrying a goat. We're supportive. 411 00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:15,335 - You had me until the goat. - It's a metaphor. 412 00:22:15,502 --> 00:22:16,336 With Wayne you never know. 413 00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:19,339 We get enough shit from the rest of the world. 414 00:22:19,506 --> 00:22:21,341 Last thing we need to be doing is getting dumped on... 415 00:22:21,508 --> 00:22:24,344 ...by people who are supposed to get our backs. 416 00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:26,352 - You want this one? - Wayne getting dumped on? 417 00:22:26,513 --> 00:22:28,348 - I don't think so. - He's happy, all right? 418 00:22:28,515 --> 00:22:30,350 Look, Wayne is... Smile for me. He's happy! 419 00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:33,312 That's a lot more than I can say for the rest of the world. 420 00:22:33,478 --> 00:22:36,315 It's definitely more than I can say for you and I, Sal. 421 00:22:36,481 --> 00:22:38,317 Of course, he's happy, Tom. He's gay! 422 00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:39,318 I'm done. 423 00:22:39,484 --> 00:22:42,321 He doesn't have to deal with chick drama all the time. 424 00:22:42,487 --> 00:22:44,323 Know how happy I would be... 425 00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:46,325 ...if I didn't have to deal with chick drama? 426 00:22:46,491 --> 00:22:49,328 Know how happy I'd be if I had someone I could shoot hoops with... 427 00:22:49,494 --> 00:22:52,331 ...watch a game with, go drinking with, play poker with... 428 00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:54,333 ...and would blow me six times a day? 429 00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:56,335 Are you kidding me? I wish I could be gay. 430 00:22:56,502 --> 00:22:59,338 I would be the biggest and the best fag of them all. 431 00:22:59,505 --> 00:23:01,340 I'd be king of the fags. 432 00:23:01,507 --> 00:23:04,343 I just can't seem to get in that good of shape. 433 00:23:04,510 --> 00:23:08,347 I got no problem with the whole being-gay aspect of it, Wayne. 434 00:23:08,514 --> 00:23:10,349 All right? I really don't. 435 00:23:10,516 --> 00:23:12,351 You wanna fuck a man, that's your business. 436 00:23:12,518 --> 00:23:14,438 I got no problem with that. I like ass fucking... 437 00:23:14,478 --> 00:23:16,313 ...as much as the next guy. 438 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,315 I don't think you need to parade it down the street... 439 00:23:18,482 --> 00:23:20,317 ...and tell everybody you're into that. 440 00:23:20,484 --> 00:23:22,319 You wanna be left alone to do your thing... 441 00:23:22,486 --> 00:23:25,322 ...then shut the fuck up and keep it your thing. 442 00:23:25,489 --> 00:23:27,324 I'm not talking about hiding in the closet. 443 00:23:27,491 --> 00:23:30,327 - Just don't shove it in my face. - Are you done? 444 00:23:30,494 --> 00:23:33,330 Probably not, but I'm tired of talking, so go ahead. 445 00:23:33,497 --> 00:23:34,331 Sal, you're right. 446 00:23:34,498 --> 00:23:37,334 My gregariousness does make me a target. I know that. 447 00:23:37,501 --> 00:23:41,338 But whether you think you're right about your psychoanalytical bullshit... 448 00:23:41,505 --> 00:23:44,341 ...I did not come here tonight to be beat up or put under a microscope. 449 00:23:44,508 --> 00:23:46,343 I came here tonight to share my joy with you. 450 00:23:46,510 --> 00:23:50,347 Not to be berated by people who are supposed to be my friends. 451 00:23:50,514 --> 00:23:52,349 I knew you were gonna be here tonight, Sal. 452 00:23:52,516 --> 00:23:54,351 And I knew you were gonna bust my balls. 453 00:23:54,518 --> 00:23:57,312 I really thought that, underneath it all, you'd be happy for me. 454 00:23:57,479 --> 00:24:01,316 I never thought you'd be so vicious. If I'd known, I never would've come. 455 00:24:01,483 --> 00:24:03,318 I wouldn't have invited the man I'm going to marry... 456 00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:05,320 ...to a place where he would be ridiculed. 457 00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,322 I mean, I might be into kinky shit... 458 00:24:07,489 --> 00:24:11,326 ...but I am not a masochist and I'm certainly not stupid. 459 00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:14,746 Good night, everyone. 460 00:24:16,498 --> 00:24:19,209 Come on. Go. 461 00:24:19,501 --> 00:24:21,336 - Go. - Wayne. 462 00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:23,797 What? 463 00:24:27,509 --> 00:24:31,346 All right, all right. Don't go. 464 00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:33,348 Don't go? 465 00:24:33,515 --> 00:24:38,687 Well, that's a joke. Give me one good reason why not. 466 00:24:39,479 --> 00:24:42,733 All right, all right. 467 00:24:44,484 --> 00:24:50,157 I don't know how to say this, okay, so I'm just gonna say it. 468 00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:53,327 My girl dumped me today. 469 00:24:53,493 --> 00:24:56,330 I'm sorry I lied to you, Tommy. 470 00:24:56,496 --> 00:24:59,333 I came here acting like a stud, like I gave her the Heisman... 471 00:24:59,499 --> 00:25:02,336 ...but truth of the matter is she fucking dumped me. 472 00:25:02,503 --> 00:25:05,339 I saw her out tonight with some GQ fucking jawbone guy. 473 00:25:05,506 --> 00:25:08,342 He was way better-looking than me, and it hurt a little bit. 474 00:25:08,509 --> 00:25:10,344 You know, maybe more than just a little bit. 475 00:25:10,511 --> 00:25:12,346 I pulled some Bogart move on the motherfucker. 476 00:25:12,513 --> 00:25:15,349 I made him look like a bitch in front of everyone. 477 00:25:15,516 --> 00:25:20,938 The truth of the matter is, she still went home with him. 478 00:25:22,481 --> 00:25:26,318 So now I'm drunk and I'm pissed... 479 00:25:26,485 --> 00:25:28,320 ...and I come and take it out on you guys. 480 00:25:28,487 --> 00:25:31,323 The truth of the matter is, I'm just jealous. 481 00:25:31,490 --> 00:25:35,327 Not that I wanna be a fag or nothing, but you're always up, doing good. 482 00:25:35,494 --> 00:25:39,331 And you don't fucking need me being an asshole to you. 483 00:25:39,498 --> 00:25:42,209 So don't go. 484 00:25:46,505 --> 00:25:49,341 And I wanna meet your... 485 00:25:49,508 --> 00:25:51,343 - Friend. - Friend. 486 00:25:51,510 --> 00:25:53,971 Oh, Sal. 487 00:25:54,513 --> 00:25:58,350 Jesus Christ. Just get it over with. 488 00:25:58,517 --> 00:26:02,312 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 489 00:26:02,479 --> 00:26:05,315 Oh, my God, Sal's gay. 490 00:26:05,482 --> 00:26:07,442 God. You see what happens when you try to be nice? 491 00:26:07,484 --> 00:26:10,320 Your friends think you're a fag. So much for karma. 492 00:26:10,487 --> 00:26:11,321 Don't say that, I was kidding. 493 00:26:11,488 --> 00:26:14,324 I was watching through the window. You were sweet. 494 00:26:14,491 --> 00:26:16,326 - Don't even start. - I'm serious, Sal. 495 00:26:16,493 --> 00:26:19,329 I've never seen that side of you before. You were amazing. 496 00:26:19,496 --> 00:26:20,330 You were kind and vulnerable. 497 00:26:20,497 --> 00:26:24,334 Not only did you embrace Wayne, you were open emotionally as well. 498 00:26:24,501 --> 00:26:28,338 - That's a tremendous step for you. - I'm gonna put a tremendous step... 499 00:26:28,505 --> 00:26:31,341 ...upside your head if you don't shut up with that treehugger bull. 500 00:26:31,508 --> 00:26:34,344 - He's a treehugger, that's his thing. - I know, but it's fucking lame. 501 00:26:34,511 --> 00:26:37,347 With the tie-dyes and the vibes and the Birkenstocks. 502 00:26:37,514 --> 00:26:41,351 Always trying to get me to change and grow and take it to the next level. 503 00:26:41,518 --> 00:26:43,398 - I mean, does that shit work? - What do you mean? 504 00:26:43,478 --> 00:26:46,315 Ever get any chicks with a lame angle like that? 505 00:26:46,481 --> 00:26:47,316 Because I got a dozen chicks... 506 00:26:47,482 --> 00:26:50,319 ...coming through that door in like two seconds. 507 00:26:50,485 --> 00:26:52,326 If you cock-block and pull out a Ouija board... 508 00:26:52,487 --> 00:26:54,447 ...I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna shoot you. 509 00:26:54,489 --> 00:26:56,325 - It's not an angle. - I know it's not. 510 00:26:56,491 --> 00:26:58,327 - It's a nonangle. - As it should be. 511 00:26:58,493 --> 00:27:00,329 I mean, it's not about getting over. 512 00:27:00,495 --> 00:27:02,331 It's about being real, communication. 513 00:27:02,497 --> 00:27:05,334 How come I never see you having any real communication... 514 00:27:05,501 --> 00:27:07,336 ...with any real chicks, like, ever? 515 00:27:07,503 --> 00:27:09,503 Maybe because I don't look at women the way you do. 516 00:27:09,505 --> 00:27:12,341 I think women are beautiful. I think they're amazing. 517 00:27:12,508 --> 00:27:15,344 I think they're the most magical of all of God's creations on Earth. 518 00:27:15,511 --> 00:27:17,346 I am enamored with them. 519 00:27:17,513 --> 00:27:19,348 I don't know how to pretend like I'm not. 520 00:27:19,515 --> 00:27:23,352 - What are you talking about? - I'm talking about the 11 th-man theory. 521 00:27:23,519 --> 00:27:25,312 Everybody knows the 11 th-man theory. 522 00:27:25,479 --> 00:27:28,315 No, nobody knows the 11 th-man theory but you. 523 00:27:28,482 --> 00:27:32,319 No, I know a little something about the 11 -man theory. 524 00:27:32,486 --> 00:27:34,321 Shut up. What are you talking about? 525 00:27:34,488 --> 00:27:36,323 Say there's a woman in a room with 10 men. 526 00:27:36,490 --> 00:27:38,325 And all 10 men are telling her how beautiful she is... 527 00:27:38,492 --> 00:27:40,327 ...and how amazing she is. 528 00:27:40,494 --> 00:27:42,329 They're lighting her cigarette, buying her drinks... 529 00:27:42,496 --> 00:27:44,331 ...just treating her like gold. 530 00:27:44,498 --> 00:27:47,334 Then all of a sudden, in walks the 11 th man. 531 00:27:47,501 --> 00:27:50,337 He takes one look at her, says, "How you doing?"... 532 00:27:50,504 --> 00:27:51,338 ...and starts talking to his boys. 533 00:27:51,505 --> 00:27:55,342 That's the guy she wants to be with, the 11 th man... 534 00:27:55,509 --> 00:27:57,344 ...not any of the 10 men treating her well... 535 00:27:57,511 --> 00:27:59,346 ...but the one guy who couldn't care less. 536 00:27:59,513 --> 00:28:03,350 And why? Because for some reason, women don't want nice. 537 00:28:03,517 --> 00:28:06,311 They don't want real. They don't wanna be treated well. 538 00:28:06,478 --> 00:28:08,313 I mean, not at first, and sometimes not ever. 539 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,316 And I think that's crazy, and I refuse to play that game. 540 00:28:11,483 --> 00:28:13,318 I mean, you? You are a master at it, Sal. 541 00:28:13,485 --> 00:28:15,320 But it's just not me. It's not who I am. 542 00:28:15,487 --> 00:28:17,322 I don't wanna have to play that game. 543 00:28:17,489 --> 00:28:21,326 You know, get a girl by pretending that I don't like her. 544 00:28:21,493 --> 00:28:25,330 I wanna be with a woman who's real, who digs it when I'm nice to her... 545 00:28:25,497 --> 00:28:28,333 ...who doesn't see that as a weakness or take me for granted... 546 00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:31,336 ...when I tell her she's more amazing than anything else... 547 00:28:31,503 --> 00:28:32,424 ...in the entire world. 548 00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:36,341 But unfortunately, most women aren't like that. 549 00:28:36,508 --> 00:28:37,342 They say they are... 550 00:28:37,509 --> 00:28:40,345 ...and deep down inside, they wanna be... 551 00:28:40,512 --> 00:28:43,348 ...but they're not. 552 00:28:43,515 --> 00:28:46,351 You know what? He's right. I never could understand that. 553 00:28:46,518 --> 00:28:48,312 When I was a kid, every girl I liked had a boyfriend. 554 00:28:48,478 --> 00:28:50,314 I'd have to hear about it all the time. 555 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,316 How he'd, you know, fuck their best friends... 556 00:28:52,482 --> 00:28:55,319 ...cheat on them, spend their money, wreck their car. 557 00:28:55,485 --> 00:28:57,321 Then they'd come crying on my shoulder... 558 00:28:57,487 --> 00:28:59,323 ...because I was a good "friend." 559 00:28:59,489 --> 00:29:00,329 And I'd ask them why: 560 00:29:00,490 --> 00:29:03,327 "Why don't you dump the guy treating you like shit and be with me?" 561 00:29:03,493 --> 00:29:07,331 I mean, I was right there. I'd lay the world at their feet if they let me. 562 00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:09,333 But they'd always say the same thing. 563 00:29:09,499 --> 00:29:12,336 "I can't, because I love him. I just love him." 564 00:29:12,503 --> 00:29:13,337 - Yeah. - How would you know? 565 00:29:13,504 --> 00:29:15,339 Believe me, being gay doesn't exclude you... 566 00:29:15,506 --> 00:29:17,341 ...from the neurosis of relationships. 567 00:29:17,508 --> 00:29:19,343 I wish it did. It's the same all over. 568 00:29:19,510 --> 00:29:22,346 Everybody's playing the "I like you, but you don't like me... 569 00:29:22,513 --> 00:29:24,393 ...when you do like me, I don't like you" game. 570 00:29:24,515 --> 00:29:26,350 - It's insane. - Insanity. 571 00:29:26,517 --> 00:29:29,311 Well, I hate to admit it, but I actually have to agree with him. 572 00:29:29,478 --> 00:29:32,314 When I was a little kid, I used to bring girls flowers. 573 00:29:32,481 --> 00:29:34,316 I'd write them poems and shit, fucking songs. 574 00:29:34,483 --> 00:29:36,318 I even gave one... Remember Molly? 575 00:29:36,485 --> 00:29:38,320 I gave her that locket for Valentine's Day. 576 00:29:38,487 --> 00:29:40,322 Sal, you wrote songs? 577 00:29:40,489 --> 00:29:43,325 Shut up. My point is this. You remember what she did to me? 578 00:29:43,492 --> 00:29:45,327 Kicked me, threw the locket on the ground... 579 00:29:45,494 --> 00:29:48,330 ...and ran around telling the whole school I had fucking cooties. 580 00:29:48,497 --> 00:29:50,417 I remember that. You went home in tears that day. 581 00:29:50,499 --> 00:29:53,335 Those weren't tears, she threw sand in my eyes too. 582 00:29:53,502 --> 00:29:56,338 - We were in the first grade, man. - No, my point is this. 583 00:29:56,505 --> 00:29:58,340 Lt was like that for years... 584 00:29:58,507 --> 00:30:01,343 ...until I discovered the pattern to Pac-Man. 585 00:30:01,510 --> 00:30:03,345 You got chicks because you could play Pac-Man? 586 00:30:03,512 --> 00:30:05,347 No, stupid, I'm making an analogy here. 587 00:30:05,514 --> 00:30:07,349 Chicks got a pattern. See? Like Pac-Man. 588 00:30:07,516 --> 00:30:11,311 You remember Pac-Man, right? Pac-Man, motherfucker, had a pattern. 589 00:30:11,478 --> 00:30:14,314 As long as you played the pattern right, you could never lose. 590 00:30:14,481 --> 00:30:17,317 And George is right. For chicks, it's the 11 th-man theory. 591 00:30:17,484 --> 00:30:19,319 As soon as you figure out how to be the 11 th man... 592 00:30:19,486 --> 00:30:21,321 ...you got no problem banging any chick. 593 00:30:21,488 --> 00:30:25,325 Only now you have to deal with some manipulative freak you're stuck with... 594 00:30:25,492 --> 00:30:27,327 ...because you hooked her so good. 595 00:30:27,494 --> 00:30:31,331 Which is why, gentlemen, I resigned myself a long time ago... 596 00:30:31,498 --> 00:30:33,333 ...to being a rich motherfucker. 597 00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:34,460 That way I can afford... 598 00:30:34,501 --> 00:30:37,337 ...to have some young, hot, gold-digging armpiece... 599 00:30:37,504 --> 00:30:42,342 ...works out six to eight hours a day, just to take care of my physical needs. 600 00:30:42,509 --> 00:30:44,344 Well, that's limiting. 601 00:30:44,511 --> 00:30:46,346 What about intellectually, emotionally? 602 00:30:46,513 --> 00:30:48,348 What about emotionally or intellectually? 603 00:30:48,515 --> 00:30:52,352 Nowadays most women think monogamy is a type of wood. 604 00:30:52,519 --> 00:30:53,312 They don't know how to be it. 605 00:30:53,478 --> 00:30:55,314 They certainly don't know how to spell it. 606 00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:58,317 They say men cheat? Who do you think we're cheating with? 607 00:30:58,483 --> 00:31:00,319 Certainly not you, Wayne. 608 00:31:00,485 --> 00:31:03,322 You think I'm gonna get emotionally connected to a woman like that? 609 00:31:03,488 --> 00:31:07,326 And if I want intellectual stimulation, motherfucker, I'll read a book. 610 00:31:07,492 --> 00:31:09,328 You're gonna go the rest of your life... 611 00:31:09,494 --> 00:31:12,331 ...just willing to settle for having to compartmentalize? 612 00:31:12,497 --> 00:31:15,334 I don't even fucking understand what you said, but, yeah, sure, I'll do that. 613 00:31:15,501 --> 00:31:19,338 No, I'm serious. At this point in my life, my idea of synergy... 614 00:31:19,505 --> 00:31:21,346 ...is getting a blowjob from Pamela Anderson... 615 00:31:21,507 --> 00:31:23,342 ...while reading Dostoyevsky. 616 00:31:23,509 --> 00:31:26,345 George, you gotta stop putting chicks on a pedestal. 617 00:31:26,512 --> 00:31:29,348 They'll just shit on you from up there. Tom too. Christ, me too. 618 00:31:29,515 --> 00:31:31,350 Hey, George, if you want real, that's great. 619 00:31:31,517 --> 00:31:34,311 Go deal with Portland bitches with the braided armpit hair... 620 00:31:34,478 --> 00:31:38,315 ...and the granola-eating habit, sporting that fucking bindi. 621 00:31:38,482 --> 00:31:41,318 Hey, George. Hey, I'm talking to you. Hey. Hello? Ls that real? 622 00:31:41,485 --> 00:31:43,320 Seriously, if I...? I have a question. 623 00:31:43,487 --> 00:31:47,324 If I listen to Deepak Chopra, and I read that Celestine Prophecy... 624 00:31:47,491 --> 00:31:50,327 ...and I... my fucking ass off all day... 625 00:31:50,494 --> 00:31:52,329 ...while I reek of BO and sandalwood... 626 00:31:52,496 --> 00:31:54,331 ...and I got 10 different kinds of incense... 627 00:31:54,498 --> 00:31:58,335 ...coming out my fucking butthole, does that make me real? 628 00:31:58,502 --> 00:32:01,338 Hey, motherfucker. Am I real, motherfucker? 629 00:32:01,505 --> 00:32:02,465 I'll tell you right now. 630 00:32:02,506 --> 00:32:07,344 Motherfucker, I may bullshit women, but I never bullshit myself. 631 00:32:09,513 --> 00:32:11,348 Let me tell you, that is the biggest crock of shit... 632 00:32:11,515 --> 00:32:14,351 ...I've ever heard in my entire life, seriously. 633 00:32:14,518 --> 00:32:16,359 - How the fuck would you know...? - No, no, no. 634 00:32:16,478 --> 00:32:18,313 Please. Mr. Tough-Guy. 635 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:21,316 Got the whole fucking wide world sewn up in a tight little box... 636 00:32:21,483 --> 00:32:22,483 ...and you ain't even 40. 637 00:32:22,484 --> 00:32:26,321 Well, I love you, but you ain't doing nothing but bullshitting. 638 00:32:26,488 --> 00:32:27,322 What are you talking about? 639 00:32:27,489 --> 00:32:30,325 You're the biggest romantic I know, more than any of us. 640 00:32:30,492 --> 00:32:32,327 Who do you think you're fooling? 641 00:32:32,494 --> 00:32:34,329 Come on, we've all known you since elementary school too. 642 00:32:34,496 --> 00:32:37,332 Big, tough buddy boy, running around playing gangster. 643 00:32:37,499 --> 00:32:39,334 But you didn't start out like that. 644 00:32:39,501 --> 00:32:42,341 You wear your heart on your sleeve. It's the biggest heart in the world. 645 00:32:42,504 --> 00:32:44,339 You still can't figure out... 646 00:32:44,506 --> 00:32:47,342 ...how to keep people from taking their shots at it. 647 00:32:47,509 --> 00:32:49,344 You wanna talk about indoctrination, look at yourself. 648 00:32:49,511 --> 00:32:52,347 - I didn't say shit about indoctrination. - You did. 649 00:32:52,514 --> 00:32:55,350 You tried to sell Wayne on how he's not really a homosexual... 650 00:32:55,517 --> 00:32:57,352 ...because he didn't come out of the womb like that. 651 00:32:57,519 --> 00:33:00,314 What about you? You think you came out of your mother... 652 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:03,317 ...with all that attitude and shit that makes you you? 653 00:33:03,483 --> 00:33:05,319 You didn't start out that way. 654 00:33:05,485 --> 00:33:09,323 You gave a girl a locket necklace, man, and wrote her a fucking song. 655 00:33:09,489 --> 00:33:10,324 You wanna talk about that? 656 00:33:10,490 --> 00:33:14,328 Or you wanna talk about the 11 th man, game-playing, the vicious circle... 657 00:33:14,494 --> 00:33:17,374 ...and shit about how you're never gonna get hurt like when you were 16? 658 00:33:17,497 --> 00:33:19,333 Well, I think you can't help it. 659 00:33:19,499 --> 00:33:22,336 I think you do have feelings, in spite of yourself sometimes. 660 00:33:22,503 --> 00:33:26,340 That is what you wrestle with. I mean, look at yourself, my man. 661 00:33:26,507 --> 00:33:29,343 You were affected tonight by a woman with a glass fucking eye... 662 00:33:29,510 --> 00:33:32,346 ...who thought the word "prima donna" meant "before Madonna." 663 00:33:32,513 --> 00:33:36,350 Come on, you're better than that. You could've been with any girl. 664 00:33:36,517 --> 00:33:38,437 Instead, you thought you'd hook up with a girl... 665 00:33:38,519 --> 00:33:42,314 ...so far beneath your standards that she'd never have to hurt you. 666 00:33:42,481 --> 00:33:45,317 Know what? She still hurt you. What's the point? Why not hold out... 667 00:33:45,484 --> 00:33:48,320 ...for one that spins your top and make it great with her? 668 00:33:48,487 --> 00:33:51,323 How? If they're all so fucked up, you tell me how. 669 00:33:51,490 --> 00:33:54,326 You gotta teach them. 670 00:33:54,493 --> 00:33:56,328 You gotta teach them, man. 671 00:33:56,495 --> 00:34:00,332 But that takes being a responsible member of the planet, Sal. 672 00:34:00,499 --> 00:34:02,334 And I don't mean you gotta be a treehugger... 673 00:34:02,501 --> 00:34:03,335 No offense, Georgie. 674 00:34:03,502 --> 00:34:06,338 But everybody's so out for the fucking "me" these days. 675 00:34:06,505 --> 00:34:08,340 It's not the X generation or the Y generation. 676 00:34:08,507 --> 00:34:10,342 It's the brand-new me generation. 677 00:34:10,509 --> 00:34:13,345 Everybody's so busy doing their dance in the end zone... 678 00:34:13,512 --> 00:34:15,347 ...they forget to notice the big picture... 679 00:34:15,514 --> 00:34:18,350 ...the scoreboard that reads that we're down by nine touchdowns. 680 00:34:18,517 --> 00:34:23,313 If you meet a girl who doesn't know how to be monogamous... 681 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:24,360 ...you can either say: 682 00:34:24,481 --> 00:34:27,317 "This girl's so fucking stupid," and you can dump her... 683 00:34:27,484 --> 00:34:32,322 ...or you can say, "Baby, come here. Check this out: M-O-N-O-G-A-M-Y." 684 00:34:32,489 --> 00:34:34,324 And you can show her how to be monogamous... 685 00:34:34,491 --> 00:34:36,326 ...by being monogamous yourself. 686 00:34:36,493 --> 00:34:38,328 You want good people, man, make them good. 687 00:34:38,495 --> 00:34:41,331 Anybody can be an asshole. Lt takes strength to be a man. 688 00:34:41,498 --> 00:34:43,333 Ls that what you taught Karen? 689 00:34:43,500 --> 00:34:46,336 Are you kidding me? That's what she taught me. 690 00:34:46,503 --> 00:34:48,338 You remember how I was before I met her. 691 00:34:48,505 --> 00:34:50,340 - Yeah. - Yeah, so do I. 692 00:34:50,507 --> 00:34:53,343 Lt seems to me that we saw a lot more of you back then. 693 00:34:53,510 --> 00:34:55,345 But I understand, you're pussy-whipped. 694 00:34:55,512 --> 00:34:58,348 I'm not pussy-whipped. She's my best friend, that's all. 695 00:34:58,515 --> 00:35:01,351 I'd rather hang out with her than anybody, even you. 696 00:35:01,518 --> 00:35:03,312 Then what are you doing here, sneaking off... 697 00:35:03,478 --> 00:35:06,315 ...as soon as she falls asleep, when you know damn well... 698 00:35:06,481 --> 00:35:08,317 ...she's gonna wake up and drag your ass upstairs... 699 00:35:08,483 --> 00:35:10,319 ...faster than you can say "codependent"? 700 00:35:10,485 --> 00:35:13,322 Yeah, but by the time that happens, she's gonna be taking me... 701 00:35:13,488 --> 00:35:14,323 - ...to exactly where I wanna be. - Man. 702 00:35:14,489 --> 00:35:16,325 - ...to exactly where I wanna be. - Man. 703 00:35:16,491 --> 00:35:20,329 You're living in a fucking fantasyland. I can't believe I'm hearing this. 704 00:35:20,495 --> 00:35:23,332 Since when did this start happening? I mean, look at you. 705 00:35:23,498 --> 00:35:26,335 Karen is a ballbuster, man. She's a fucking ballbuster. 706 00:35:26,502 --> 00:35:29,338 She is such a ballbuster, she's got you fucked up... 707 00:35:29,505 --> 00:35:30,339 ...and delusional and shit. 708 00:35:30,506 --> 00:35:34,343 Kenny, you're a man. How can you live like that? 709 00:35:34,510 --> 00:35:35,510 It's not a delusion, Sal. 710 00:35:35,511 --> 00:35:37,346 You and I see things differently, that's all. 711 00:35:37,513 --> 00:35:40,349 You see it as ballbusting, I see it as passionate. 712 00:35:40,516 --> 00:35:41,350 - Do you see? - You see it as: 713 00:35:41,517 --> 00:35:45,312 "I gotta pick her up from the airport." I see it as, "I get to." 714 00:35:45,479 --> 00:35:46,313 All about how you look at it. 715 00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,316 Well, I'm looking at you like you're out of your mind. 716 00:35:49,483 --> 00:35:52,319 If that's what being married's about, you can keep that shit. 717 00:35:52,486 --> 00:35:55,322 Ain't no way this motherfucker is ever getting married, you heard? 718 00:35:55,489 --> 00:35:59,326 Why don't you tell that crock of shit to Tommy here? 719 00:35:59,493 --> 00:36:00,327 He'll appreciate it. 720 00:36:00,494 --> 00:36:02,329 For years, he's cashing his chips in early... 721 00:36:02,496 --> 00:36:05,332 ...going home to a girl who up and clotheslines his ass... 722 00:36:05,499 --> 00:36:08,335 ...and leaves him staggering around in the street... 723 00:36:08,502 --> 00:36:09,336 ...wondering what he did wrong. 724 00:36:09,503 --> 00:36:11,338 What he did wrong. 725 00:36:11,505 --> 00:36:14,341 How about that for a mindfuck? What? Tell me. 726 00:36:14,508 --> 00:36:18,345 Come on, fuckers, tell me. He didn't love her enough? 727 00:36:18,512 --> 00:36:20,472 He didn't treat her well enough? I don't think so. 728 00:36:20,514 --> 00:36:24,351 We all agree, to a man, that Tommy is the best person we know. 729 00:36:24,518 --> 00:36:27,312 Seems to me I recall, back in the day, him holding out... 730 00:36:27,479 --> 00:36:30,315 ...for one that spun his top, doing what he could to make it work. 731 00:36:30,482 --> 00:36:32,317 - But it didn't work... - All right. 732 00:36:32,484 --> 00:36:34,404 Because she dumped him, fucking dumped his ass. 733 00:36:34,486 --> 00:36:36,321 The best guy we know does everything right. 734 00:36:36,488 --> 00:36:38,323 She still dumps him. Your theory is shit. 735 00:36:38,490 --> 00:36:41,326 I mean, it is fucking a bunch of shit. You wanna know why? 736 00:36:41,493 --> 00:36:45,330 There's two people in a relationship, and they're both always changing. 737 00:36:45,497 --> 00:36:46,331 So no matter what you do... 738 00:36:46,498 --> 00:36:50,335 ...how are you able to tell what the other person's gonna do tomorrow? 739 00:36:50,502 --> 00:36:51,462 - All right, Sal. - No... 740 00:36:51,503 --> 00:36:54,339 No, all right! Fuck, Sal. 741 00:36:54,506 --> 00:36:56,341 - Fuck. - Sal, please. 742 00:36:56,508 --> 00:36:58,343 No, no, Wayne, you shut up, too, for a second. 743 00:36:58,510 --> 00:37:00,345 I mean, you guys are all so fucking selfish. 744 00:37:00,512 --> 00:37:02,347 All of you, man. 745 00:37:02,514 --> 00:37:04,349 You're talking about me like I'm not here. 746 00:37:04,516 --> 00:37:08,312 - Tommy, look, I was just... - Fuck that. That's fucking bullshit, Sal. 747 00:37:08,478 --> 00:37:11,315 I mean, you come into my home and all you talk about... 748 00:37:11,481 --> 00:37:13,317 ...is your problems, your feelings, your relationships. 749 00:37:13,483 --> 00:37:16,320 Ever stop to think what I was going through? 750 00:37:16,486 --> 00:37:17,321 I'm fucking dying over here, man. 751 00:37:17,487 --> 00:37:21,325 It's not tomorrow or the next day or in the first fucking grade, Sal. 752 00:37:21,491 --> 00:37:23,327 It's happening right now. 753 00:37:23,493 --> 00:37:25,329 The love of my life walking through that door any minute. 754 00:37:25,495 --> 00:37:28,332 She's gonna leave me, and I have no idea what I'm gonna do. 755 00:37:28,498 --> 00:37:33,337 All I know is, I can't let that happen. I gotta get her back. 756 00:37:33,504 --> 00:37:36,340 Now, either you guys help me figure this out now... 757 00:37:36,507 --> 00:37:38,342 ...or you get out of here and let me do it on my own... 758 00:37:38,509 --> 00:37:41,345 ...because whether you think so or not... 759 00:37:41,512 --> 00:37:43,472 ...Sara's the best thing that ever happened to me. 760 00:37:43,514 --> 00:37:48,560 And I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get her back. 761 00:37:49,478 --> 00:37:52,564 What if you don't? 762 00:37:55,484 --> 00:37:57,778 What? 763 00:37:59,488 --> 00:38:01,323 I was just... 764 00:38:01,490 --> 00:38:05,327 Look, I was just being devil's advocate, all right? 765 00:38:05,494 --> 00:38:06,328 What if you don't? 766 00:38:06,495 --> 00:38:10,999 What if you don't get her back? What then? 767 00:38:11,500 --> 00:38:13,335 Well, then I guess I'll just be like you, Sal. 768 00:38:13,502 --> 00:38:15,337 - A man without love. - Very dramatic. 769 00:38:15,504 --> 00:38:17,339 What kind of man is that, huh? 770 00:38:17,506 --> 00:38:21,260 Angry? Vindictive? A monster? 771 00:38:21,510 --> 00:38:24,346 But I'll be way worse than you, Sal, because you never had what I have. 772 00:38:24,513 --> 00:38:27,349 The kind of love I have in my heart for Sara? 773 00:38:27,516 --> 00:38:28,350 You lose that... 774 00:38:28,517 --> 00:38:31,311 ...well, I'd hate to be any girl that crosses my path any time soon. 775 00:38:31,478 --> 00:38:33,313 Shut the fuck up. I don't wanna hear it. 776 00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:37,317 If Sara wants to leave me, I'll start a new chapter of an old club. 777 00:38:37,484 --> 00:38:39,319 The He-Man Woman-Haters Club. Remember that? 778 00:38:39,486 --> 00:38:40,320 Remember that shit? 779 00:38:40,487 --> 00:38:43,323 With Spanky and Alfalfa and Buckwheat? 780 00:38:43,490 --> 00:38:45,325 They had this He-Man Woman-Haters Club. 781 00:38:45,492 --> 00:38:47,327 They didn't take shit from Darla or any of them bitches. 782 00:38:47,494 --> 00:38:51,331 - He's lost his mind. - They had the right idea back then. 783 00:38:51,498 --> 00:38:53,333 I mean, you didn't see Darla... 784 00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:55,420 ...or any other chicks putting on shows, did you? 785 00:38:55,502 --> 00:38:57,337 No. Spanky and Alfalfa ran the show. 786 00:38:57,504 --> 00:39:01,341 And if them bitches wanted a part, they did what they were told. 787 00:39:01,508 --> 00:39:03,343 Starsky and Hutch? No chicks. Successful. 788 00:39:03,510 --> 00:39:05,345 Baretta? Lived with an old man and a bird. 789 00:39:05,512 --> 00:39:08,348 No chick drama, no problem. Batman? Gay. 790 00:39:08,515 --> 00:39:12,352 But only when he gets tempted by Catwoman did he have real problems. 791 00:39:12,519 --> 00:39:14,313 Han Solo? With Chewie, he was fine. 792 00:39:14,479 --> 00:39:17,316 He hooks up with Leia, his ass gets thrown in the carbonite. 793 00:39:17,482 --> 00:39:20,319 Chicks are the downfall of every great man that lived: 794 00:39:20,485 --> 00:39:23,322 Mark Antony, Othello, Bill Clinton, all of them. 795 00:39:23,488 --> 00:39:25,324 And he who does not learn from history... 796 00:39:25,490 --> 00:39:27,326 ...is doomed to repeat its mistakes. 797 00:39:27,492 --> 00:39:29,372 What was I thinking? I don't wanna be with Sara. 798 00:39:29,494 --> 00:39:33,332 I want nothing to do with her. If she walked through that door now... 799 00:39:33,498 --> 00:39:35,458 ...the best thing I could do is throw her ass out. 800 00:39:35,501 --> 00:39:39,338 I mean, this is still my house, right? I don't care how much I love her. 801 00:39:39,505 --> 00:39:42,341 She can come, she can get her shit, and she can get the fuck out. 802 00:39:42,508 --> 00:39:45,344 I never wanna see Sara again. I never wanna see another woman. 803 00:39:45,511 --> 00:39:47,346 Masturbation, the key to the universe be. 804 00:39:47,513 --> 00:39:54,019 If I never see another woman again, it'll be too soon in this motherfucker. 805 00:40:01,485 --> 00:40:04,488 I'll handle this. 806 00:40:07,491 --> 00:40:11,828 Ls this where the Valentine's thing is? 807 00:42:33,512 --> 00:42:37,391 You gonna invite us in or what? 808 00:42:48,485 --> 00:42:51,321 Did you see the looks on those guys' faces when we walked in? 809 00:42:51,488 --> 00:42:54,324 - I felt like a steak in a sea of piranha. - Lt was not that bad. 810 00:42:54,491 --> 00:42:55,371 These guys are cute... 811 00:42:55,492 --> 00:42:58,328 ...more than I can say for the last party Rachel took us to. 812 00:42:58,495 --> 00:43:01,331 Twenty hot girls and two gross guys? What's wrong with that? 813 00:43:01,498 --> 00:43:04,334 - What you get when you work in porn. - I don't work in porn. 814 00:43:04,501 --> 00:43:05,341 I just do their hair. 815 00:43:05,502 --> 00:43:07,337 - Whatever. - What's that guy Sal doing here? 816 00:43:07,504 --> 00:43:09,345 - Isn't he some gangster? - A wannabe gangster. 817 00:43:09,506 --> 00:43:11,341 A wannabe? The man carries a gun. 818 00:43:11,508 --> 00:43:14,344 For show. He flashes it around. He'd never use it. 819 00:43:14,511 --> 00:43:17,347 - How would you know? - Katherine used to go out with him. 820 00:43:17,514 --> 00:43:19,349 - Is this true? - No, it is not true. 821 00:43:19,516 --> 00:43:21,351 I slept with him once, but I never went out with him. 822 00:43:21,518 --> 00:43:23,312 He was a perfect gentleman. 823 00:43:23,478 --> 00:43:25,438 - Terrible lover, but a gentleman. - Terrible lover? 824 00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:28,317 - What do you mean? - He thinks he's such a stud. 825 00:43:28,483 --> 00:43:32,321 - Exactly. He doth protest too much. - He didn't know how to do it right? 826 00:43:32,487 --> 00:43:34,323 Are you kidding? He did not know how at all. 827 00:43:34,489 --> 00:43:37,326 I couldn't get this man to go down on me if we were on the Titanic. 828 00:43:37,492 --> 00:43:39,328 - Shit. Why? - I don't know. 829 00:43:39,494 --> 00:43:41,335 I think he said he had some sort of germ thing. 830 00:43:41,496 --> 00:43:43,332 - Germ thing? - Like what? A phobia? 831 00:43:43,498 --> 00:43:45,334 - A germ phobia? - I hate when guys say that. 832 00:43:45,501 --> 00:43:48,337 - It makes me feel so unsanitary. - That's because you are. 833 00:43:48,504 --> 00:43:50,339 Oh, go fuck yourselves. 834 00:43:50,506 --> 00:43:52,341 But what about the penis, Kat? Was the penis bad too? 835 00:43:52,508 --> 00:43:54,343 Yeah, what's with the dick? 836 00:43:54,510 --> 00:43:56,345 Said he's got a cock the size of Florida. 837 00:43:56,512 --> 00:43:58,347 - Is this true? - No, it is not true. It... 838 00:43:58,514 --> 00:44:00,349 - It's what? - Like the Cape of Good Hope? 839 00:44:00,516 --> 00:44:02,351 Like Cape Canaveral? 840 00:44:02,518 --> 00:44:06,313 Ls it like the cape that Superman used to wear? 841 00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:08,315 - Ever seen a Sunday paper rolled up? - Yes. 842 00:44:08,482 --> 00:44:10,317 - Double that. - No! 843 00:44:10,484 --> 00:44:13,320 How bad could that be? Unless the guy came in seconds. 844 00:44:13,487 --> 00:44:15,322 Quick-draw-mcgraws are the worst. 845 00:44:15,489 --> 00:44:17,324 Actually, he was the exact opposite. He took forever. 846 00:44:17,491 --> 00:44:18,371 I got so frustrated... 847 00:44:18,492 --> 00:44:22,329 ...riding that monster so long without any foreplay, I went home. 848 00:44:22,496 --> 00:44:24,331 - You went home? - What, in an ambulance? 849 00:44:24,498 --> 00:44:25,332 No, in my car. 850 00:44:25,499 --> 00:44:28,335 But I did have such blue balls from the whole experience... 851 00:44:28,502 --> 00:44:30,337 ...I had to call one of my zerves to finish the job. 852 00:44:30,504 --> 00:44:32,339 A zerves? What's a zerves? 853 00:44:32,506 --> 00:44:35,342 Reserves, Amy, as in the Army Reserves. 854 00:44:35,509 --> 00:44:36,343 Always have a couple zerves... 855 00:44:36,510 --> 00:44:39,346 ...to call any time to rectify such a situation. 856 00:44:39,513 --> 00:44:41,348 Guys that fix your car, help you move... 857 00:44:41,515 --> 00:44:44,351 ...come over in the night when you hear scary noises. 858 00:44:44,518 --> 00:44:45,352 - Don't you have reserves? - No. 859 00:44:45,519 --> 00:44:49,314 You mean to tell me there is nobody you can call to get over a breakup? 860 00:44:49,481 --> 00:44:51,316 - I can call my mom. - That's really not the same, is it? 861 00:44:51,483 --> 00:44:55,320 Oh, honey, you are missing out. You gotta try it sometime. 862 00:44:55,487 --> 00:44:56,321 You use them like painkillers. 863 00:44:56,488 --> 00:44:58,323 They tell you the things you wanna hear: 864 00:44:58,490 --> 00:45:01,326 How great you are, how beautiful you are... 865 00:45:01,493 --> 00:45:03,328 What a fucking idiot your boyfriend is. 866 00:45:03,495 --> 00:45:05,330 And you get to be totally selfish in bed. 867 00:45:05,497 --> 00:45:06,331 Because that's what they're for. 868 00:45:06,498 --> 00:45:10,335 They know they'll never be Mr. Right. They're happy being Mr. Right-Now. 869 00:45:10,502 --> 00:45:13,338 - Sure beats crying into your pillow. - Like my mother says: 870 00:45:13,505 --> 00:45:16,341 The best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else. 871 00:45:16,508 --> 00:45:18,343 Amen, sister. 872 00:45:18,510 --> 00:45:20,345 I can't come from a cock the size of Florida. 873 00:45:20,512 --> 00:45:22,347 I need a tongue the size of Florida. 874 00:45:22,514 --> 00:45:25,350 - You need Gene Simmons in there. - Exactly. 875 00:45:25,517 --> 00:45:27,358 That's enough. Jesus Christ, I've heard enough. 876 00:45:27,519 --> 00:45:29,313 That's disgusting, just disgusting. 877 00:45:29,479 --> 00:45:32,316 I can't believe I'm hearing this. What happened to you? 878 00:45:32,482 --> 00:45:34,482 You sound like men, with the blue balls and zerves. 879 00:45:34,484 --> 00:45:36,364 I mean, what happened to closeness and intimacy? 880 00:45:36,486 --> 00:45:39,323 When did you two become so desensitized? 881 00:45:39,489 --> 00:45:40,410 You have to have sex... 882 00:45:40,490 --> 00:45:43,327 ...at least once every millennium before you can lecture us. 883 00:45:43,493 --> 00:45:45,329 I might be the only woman left on Earth... 884 00:45:45,495 --> 00:45:47,331 ...who can lecture you on the subject. 885 00:45:47,497 --> 00:45:49,377 Listen to yourselves. Where are your priorities? 886 00:45:49,499 --> 00:45:53,337 Instead of getting some guy to rub out an orgasm and repair your fridge... 887 00:45:53,504 --> 00:45:57,341 ...don't you want somebody who will always be there for you... 888 00:45:57,508 --> 00:45:59,343 ...to protect you from those scary noises? 889 00:45:59,510 --> 00:46:01,510 Are you delusional? You sound like a Hallmark card. 890 00:46:01,512 --> 00:46:04,348 You can't argue with me. You used a word that does not exist. 891 00:46:04,515 --> 00:46:07,351 - Really? And what word is that? - You used the word "always." 892 00:46:07,518 --> 00:46:10,312 - "Always" is the key to heartbreak. - Why? 893 00:46:10,479 --> 00:46:12,320 Because we expect that he will always be there. 894 00:46:12,481 --> 00:46:15,317 We expect we'll always be loved, no matter what we do or look like. 895 00:46:15,484 --> 00:46:19,321 That is clearly not the case, is it? Because we get fat. We get old. 896 00:46:19,488 --> 00:46:21,323 We get traded in for younger models every day. 897 00:46:21,490 --> 00:46:22,490 So the simple truth is... 898 00:46:22,491 --> 00:46:25,327 ...the only "always" is that everything changes. 899 00:46:25,494 --> 00:46:27,329 Men's whims are the most changeable of all. 900 00:46:27,496 --> 00:46:29,496 So "no, " I guess, is the answer to your question. 901 00:46:29,498 --> 00:46:33,335 No, I do not want some guy to tell me he's always gonna be there... 902 00:46:33,502 --> 00:46:36,338 ...to protect me from scary noises, because then I know he's a liar. 903 00:46:36,505 --> 00:46:39,341 - I can protect myself, thank you. - With what, your vibrator? 904 00:46:39,508 --> 00:46:41,343 Are you gonna massage them to death? 905 00:46:41,510 --> 00:46:42,344 - I don't need no vibrator. - I know. 906 00:46:42,511 --> 00:46:45,347 You've got the population of Uruguay on speed dial... 907 00:46:45,514 --> 00:46:47,349 ...in case the Boston Celtics don't work out. 908 00:46:47,516 --> 00:46:50,352 You know, you are such a fucking hypocrite, Laura. 909 00:46:50,519 --> 00:46:53,313 You're one of those girls who sucks a million cocks... 910 00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:56,316 ...but only slept with three guys, so think you're some saint. 911 00:46:56,483 --> 00:46:59,319 You're not. Blowjobs are exactly the same thing as having sex. 912 00:46:59,486 --> 00:47:01,321 Ln fact, to some men, probably worse. 913 00:47:01,488 --> 00:47:03,323 So not true. Blowjobs are different than having sex. 914 00:47:03,490 --> 00:47:06,326 - It's not even the same thing. - Oh, it's not? 915 00:47:06,493 --> 00:47:08,328 It's not the same to take some strange man's dick out... 916 00:47:08,495 --> 00:47:11,331 ...when you don't know where it's been or if he's showered... 917 00:47:11,498 --> 00:47:14,334 ...put it in your mouth, suck on it, and swallow his come... 918 00:47:14,501 --> 00:47:17,337 ...when you've known the guy for a few hours? 919 00:47:17,504 --> 00:47:20,340 - You're right. Not the same thing. - Come on, a couple hours? 920 00:47:20,507 --> 00:47:23,343 What is it, then, precious? A few days at the very most? 921 00:47:23,510 --> 00:47:24,344 I mean, when you add it up... 922 00:47:24,511 --> 00:47:27,347 ...what is the total time you need to spend with a guy... 923 00:47:27,514 --> 00:47:30,350 ...before you're on your knees getting a throat culture? 924 00:47:30,517 --> 00:47:32,352 What, six hours on the first date, four on the next? 925 00:47:32,519 --> 00:47:36,315 - The time the two of you had "coffee"? - Why are you picking on me? 926 00:47:36,481 --> 00:47:38,317 - I thought we were friends. - We are. 927 00:47:38,483 --> 00:47:41,320 But you're full of shit, and I wouldn't be any real friend... 928 00:47:41,486 --> 00:47:45,324 ...if I didn't call that nice-girl bullshit you sell to every guy you go out with. 929 00:47:45,490 --> 00:47:47,326 - What's that supposed to mean? - You know exactly what. 930 00:47:47,492 --> 00:47:49,328 Lt means, when you start seeing a guy... 931 00:47:49,494 --> 00:47:52,331 ...do you tell him about the 8000 blowjobs you've given... 932 00:47:52,497 --> 00:47:56,335 ...or do you try to sell him on the fact that you've slept with three guys? 933 00:47:56,502 --> 00:47:58,337 That's what I thought. So don't try selling it to me... 934 00:47:58,504 --> 00:48:01,340 ...because then you're not being a good friend to me. 935 00:48:01,507 --> 00:48:04,343 You want a real relationship? Fine. Be honest. 936 00:48:04,510 --> 00:48:06,345 If the man can't handle the truth about you... 937 00:48:06,512 --> 00:48:08,347 ...he can go fuck himself. 938 00:48:08,514 --> 00:48:12,142 You can't handle the truth. 939 00:48:12,518 --> 00:48:16,313 Remember that? With the guy from the Lakers game? 940 00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,316 Rachel, since when are you anyone to tell anybody about relationships? 941 00:48:19,483 --> 00:48:23,320 I'm the one woman in this room who sees things the way they are... 942 00:48:23,487 --> 00:48:25,322 ...instead of seeing them the way we want them to be. 943 00:48:25,489 --> 00:48:28,325 You have stuffed animals on your bed, bunny magnets... 944 00:48:28,492 --> 00:48:30,333 ...and My Secret Garden crap around your house. 945 00:48:30,494 --> 00:48:33,330 Tell me you have a firm grip on reality. 946 00:48:33,497 --> 00:48:35,332 Relationships end, and they all end badly. 947 00:48:35,499 --> 00:48:36,333 Otherwise, they wouldn't end. 948 00:48:36,500 --> 00:48:40,337 And the only "always" is that they always end badly. 949 00:48:40,504 --> 00:48:42,464 - You'd better change your perspective. - I'm sorry. 950 00:48:42,506 --> 00:48:45,346 - I don't choose to see it that way. - Exactly. That's exactly my point. 951 00:48:45,509 --> 00:48:48,345 But the reality is, they do. Think about it. 952 00:48:48,512 --> 00:48:51,348 The best-case scenario in a relationship is one of you dies. 953 00:48:51,515 --> 00:48:54,351 And that's the best it ever gets. Ls that a design flaw or what? 954 00:48:54,518 --> 00:48:57,312 You meet the love of your life. You're together 50, 60 years. 955 00:48:57,479 --> 00:49:00,315 Then one of you dies, leaving the other heartbroken and alone. 956 00:49:00,482 --> 00:49:04,319 Alone to live out your miserable life, trying not to die from pain... 957 00:49:04,486 --> 00:49:07,322 ...and your only solace is bingo and applesauce. 958 00:49:07,489 --> 00:49:09,489 - You go, girl. - And down from that, getting dumped. 959 00:49:09,491 --> 00:49:11,326 Which I used to think was worse than dumping. 960 00:49:11,493 --> 00:49:14,329 You feel so out of control, ugly, worthless... 961 00:49:14,496 --> 00:49:16,456 ...unworthy, self-conscious and just fucking lame. 962 00:49:16,498 --> 00:49:17,332 I mean, Jesus. 963 00:49:17,499 --> 00:49:21,336 I used to think getting dumped was worse than dumping someone else... 964 00:49:21,503 --> 00:49:23,338 ...until finally I dumped someone myself. 965 00:49:23,505 --> 00:49:25,340 Let me tell you something, ladies. 966 00:49:25,507 --> 00:49:28,343 Lt is way, way, way worse than getting dumped yourself... 967 00:49:28,510 --> 00:49:31,346 ...because now you have to deal with the fact that it is your idea. 968 00:49:31,513 --> 00:49:34,349 Lt was your action, so you're constantly second-guessing yourself. 969 00:49:34,516 --> 00:49:37,352 "Did I do the right thing? Ls he the best I'm gonna find? 970 00:49:37,519 --> 00:49:40,314 Am I gonna be alone for life because I threw away the best thing... 971 00:49:40,480 --> 00:49:42,316 ...that's ever gonna happen to me?" 972 00:49:42,482 --> 00:49:45,319 And that comes before you have to try to turn that person... 973 00:49:45,485 --> 00:49:47,321 ...into someone you could hate... 974 00:49:47,487 --> 00:49:50,324 ...so you could try to find a way to live with that decision. 975 00:49:50,490 --> 00:49:52,326 I think it's pretty clear. 976 00:49:52,492 --> 00:49:55,329 I would rather get dumped than dump someone else. 977 00:49:55,495 --> 00:49:59,333 But then, I really don't ever have to worry about that again. 978 00:49:59,499 --> 00:50:01,919 Ladies. 979 00:50:05,506 --> 00:50:07,341 - Can I have a Bushmills, straight? - Yeah, you got it. 980 00:50:07,508 --> 00:50:10,344 Hi. My name is Tom, and this is my place. 981 00:50:10,511 --> 00:50:14,348 And the thing is, I'm going through a lot of unexpected things... 982 00:50:14,515 --> 00:50:15,349 ...and I really, really, would... 983 00:50:15,516 --> 00:50:17,351 Tom, don't worry about it. 984 00:50:17,518 --> 00:50:18,352 We're gonna have one drink and then go. 985 00:50:18,519 --> 00:50:21,313 I got the picture when we walked in the door. 986 00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:22,314 Well, I'm sorry... You did? 987 00:50:22,481 --> 00:50:25,317 I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable... 988 00:50:25,484 --> 00:50:26,318 ...but what picture is that, exactly? 989 00:50:26,485 --> 00:50:30,322 That your girlfriend broke up with you and she's on her way here... 990 00:50:30,489 --> 00:50:31,323 ...to pick up those suitcases. 991 00:50:31,490 --> 00:50:33,325 You got all that from walking in here? 992 00:50:33,492 --> 00:50:35,327 No, I got that from the letter on the table. 993 00:50:35,494 --> 00:50:39,331 We were all reading it in the bathroom. Tom, it is absolutely horrible. 994 00:50:39,498 --> 00:50:41,333 Oh, my God. 995 00:50:41,500 --> 00:50:43,341 - Are you kidding me? - What just got into her? 996 00:50:43,502 --> 00:50:45,462 - No one yet, that's the problem. - Rachel's fine. 997 00:50:45,504 --> 00:50:48,340 Fucked up, insecure and emotional. Sure, she's fine. 998 00:50:48,507 --> 00:50:51,343 Do you know how hard it is to do what she does? 999 00:50:51,510 --> 00:50:55,347 - Yes, scheduling can be a problem. - Rachel tells men where they stand. 1000 00:50:55,514 --> 00:50:58,350 - Behind her while she's bent over. - Rachel tells men the truth. 1001 00:50:58,517 --> 00:51:00,352 Not what they wanna hear, the actual truth. 1002 00:51:00,519 --> 00:51:03,319 That's admirable, considering that, as women, we're conditioned to lie. 1003 00:51:03,480 --> 00:51:06,316 - What are you talking about? - I got to hear this. 1004 00:51:06,483 --> 00:51:09,319 You know how a man, if he has sex with a hundred women, he's a stud? 1005 00:51:09,486 --> 00:51:11,321 A woman sleeps with 10 guys, she's a whore. 1006 00:51:11,488 --> 00:51:14,324 How does a woman not feel she has to lie... 1007 00:51:14,491 --> 00:51:16,326 ...with that ridiculous double standard? 1008 00:51:16,493 --> 00:51:18,328 That's not lying, just not giving all the information. 1009 00:51:18,495 --> 00:51:21,331 - No, that's justification. - If men weren't so infantile... 1010 00:51:21,498 --> 00:51:23,378 ...about their women's history, we wouldn't lie. 1011 00:51:23,500 --> 00:51:26,336 Know how easy my relationship would've been... 1012 00:51:26,503 --> 00:51:29,339 ...if I didn't have to deal with "Did you fuck him?" questions? 1013 00:51:29,506 --> 00:51:31,341 "Did you fuck him? Did you fuck him?" 1014 00:51:31,508 --> 00:51:34,344 "Who was that? Did you fuck him? Who you on the phone with?" 1015 00:51:34,511 --> 00:51:37,347 "Why's there a guy's voice on your machine? You fuck him?" 1016 00:51:37,514 --> 00:51:39,434 - The younger the guy is, the worse. - Or Latino. 1017 00:51:39,516 --> 00:51:42,352 Heaven forbid they meet anyone you have been with. 1018 00:51:42,519 --> 00:51:44,313 - It's sulking for days. - Or attitude. 1019 00:51:44,479 --> 00:51:47,316 - They never stop bringing shit up. - "Why don't you fuck so-and-so?" 1020 00:51:47,482 --> 00:51:51,320 That's just when you're dealing with their insecurities about other men. 1021 00:51:51,486 --> 00:51:53,322 Don't even get me started on the bedroom. 1022 00:51:53,488 --> 00:51:56,325 Know how patient I have to be with these oversized babies? 1023 00:51:56,491 --> 00:51:57,326 Like my mother says: 1024 00:51:57,492 --> 00:52:00,329 "I already got two children, I don't need a third." 1025 00:52:00,495 --> 00:52:03,332 You admit that lying is part and parcel to your relationships? 1026 00:52:03,498 --> 00:52:06,338 Ls it lying to tell a child there's a Santa if it makes him feel better? 1027 00:52:06,502 --> 00:52:09,338 Ls it lying not to tell a man about fucking the Raiders... 1028 00:52:09,505 --> 00:52:12,341 ...if it makes him feel better about marrying you? 1029 00:52:12,508 --> 00:52:14,343 As far as I can see, we don't have any choice. 1030 00:52:14,510 --> 00:52:17,346 If I have to choose between not telling a man every detail... 1031 00:52:17,513 --> 00:52:20,349 ...about my life so things go smoothly... 1032 00:52:20,516 --> 00:52:22,351 ...or being honest and staying up all night fighting... 1033 00:52:22,518 --> 00:52:24,311 ...there ain't no choice, you know? 1034 00:52:24,478 --> 00:52:27,314 I do. And, Amy, you're right. Men can't handle the truth. 1035 00:52:27,481 --> 00:52:30,317 And the sooner we learn that, the smoother things will be. 1036 00:52:30,484 --> 00:52:31,318 Excuse me. 1037 00:52:31,485 --> 00:52:34,321 Sorry, I can't believe things have gotten that bad... 1038 00:52:34,488 --> 00:52:37,324 ...that relationships have turned into one big coping contest... 1039 00:52:37,491 --> 00:52:39,332 ...we try to endure like Chinese water torture. 1040 00:52:39,493 --> 00:52:41,413 See, sweetie, that's why I only date married men. 1041 00:52:41,495 --> 00:52:45,332 I know they're unavailable, and there's a limit to the torture. 1042 00:52:45,499 --> 00:52:48,335 That is so wrong on so many levels, I don't even know what to say. 1043 00:52:48,502 --> 00:52:50,337 You went out with Sal. He was never married. 1044 00:52:50,504 --> 00:52:54,341 I know that now, but I didn't then. The man used to wear a wedding ring. 1045 00:52:54,508 --> 00:52:57,344 He later told me that he wore it to attract women. 1046 00:52:57,511 --> 00:52:58,345 - Did it? - Hell, it attracted me. 1047 00:52:58,512 --> 00:53:00,347 Oh, my God, Katherine, why? 1048 00:53:00,514 --> 00:53:03,350 Because, Deb, I figure if a man is married... 1049 00:53:03,517 --> 00:53:06,311 ...there's gotta be something good about him. At least he can commit. 1050 00:53:06,478 --> 00:53:09,314 You make him cheat. The commitment goes out the window. 1051 00:53:09,481 --> 00:53:10,315 By that time, I'm over him. 1052 00:53:10,482 --> 00:53:13,318 Don't you understand what I'm trying to tell you here? 1053 00:53:13,485 --> 00:53:15,320 - No. - It's not about the sex, sweetie. 1054 00:53:15,487 --> 00:53:21,618 Lt never is. Anybody can have sex. It's about the walk up the stairs. 1055 00:53:23,495 --> 00:53:24,329 Okay. 1056 00:53:24,496 --> 00:53:28,333 Ls it me, or is everybody else on this planet just absolutely crazy? 1057 00:53:28,500 --> 00:53:30,335 Oh, no, we're all definitely crazy. 1058 00:53:30,502 --> 00:53:34,339 It's just the ones who think they're not that you have to worry about. 1059 00:53:34,506 --> 00:53:39,011 But what do I know? I don't know anything. 1060 00:54:52,501 --> 00:54:55,337 This is bad. This is bad. This is really, really, really bad. 1061 00:54:55,504 --> 00:54:56,344 - Relax, Tom. - Relax? 1062 00:54:56,505 --> 00:54:59,341 There are girls in my apartment, hot girls, drinking. 1063 00:54:59,508 --> 00:55:02,344 When Sara gets here, she's gonna think I'm being blasé. 1064 00:55:02,511 --> 00:55:03,511 - No, she's not. - She is. 1065 00:55:03,512 --> 00:55:05,347 She's not gonna think you're blasé. 1066 00:55:05,514 --> 00:55:07,474 The girls being here could work to your advantage. 1067 00:55:07,516 --> 00:55:10,352 Chicks see you with other chicks, it make them want you more. 1068 00:55:10,519 --> 00:55:12,312 I'm not out with these chicks. 1069 00:55:12,479 --> 00:55:15,315 - She doesn't know that. - You think I want her to think that? 1070 00:55:15,482 --> 00:55:17,317 - I'd be done for sure. - You're broken up. Do what you want. 1071 00:55:17,484 --> 00:55:19,319 - It's been an hour. So? - So? So? 1072 00:55:19,486 --> 00:55:21,321 You're either broken up or not, no gray area. 1073 00:55:21,488 --> 00:55:24,324 People get fucked up in the in-between stage. 1074 00:55:24,491 --> 00:55:27,327 You're not together, but not supposed to fuck anyone else. 1075 00:55:27,494 --> 00:55:29,329 The one who fools around first is the bad guy. 1076 00:55:29,496 --> 00:55:32,332 "I can't believe you're with someone. It's only been two weeks." 1077 00:55:32,499 --> 00:55:35,335 Whoever doesn't move on always feels like they got hit by a truck. 1078 00:55:35,502 --> 00:55:38,338 Yeah, but I don't wanna move on. 1079 00:55:38,505 --> 00:55:41,341 - I already feel like I got hit by a truck. - You may wanna have another drink. 1080 00:55:41,508 --> 00:55:45,345 Let me have one of those too. Scotch, rocks. Hello, I'm Katherine. 1081 00:55:45,512 --> 00:55:46,346 Hi. Ken. Of course you know Sal. 1082 00:55:46,513 --> 00:55:49,349 - And this is Tom. - Hi, what time is she getting here? 1083 00:55:49,516 --> 00:55:51,351 - Great, everybody knows. - Any second. 1084 00:55:51,518 --> 00:55:53,312 Really? Do you want us to go? 1085 00:55:53,478 --> 00:55:55,314 No, I'm still trying to think out my strategy. 1086 00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:57,316 - You ever think about using us? - See? 1087 00:55:57,482 --> 00:55:58,482 - Maybe. - Feel free, honey. 1088 00:55:58,483 --> 00:56:00,319 Women want what they can't have. 1089 00:56:00,485 --> 00:56:02,321 Believe me, if she walks in... 1090 00:56:02,487 --> 00:56:05,324 ...thinking she has the upper hand and finds you with us... 1091 00:56:05,490 --> 00:56:07,326 ...looking like a pimp, she might just decide to stay. 1092 00:56:07,492 --> 00:56:09,328 - You think so? - Honey, I know so. 1093 00:56:09,494 --> 00:56:11,330 Ambivalence is a powerful aphrodisiac. 1094 00:56:11,496 --> 00:56:14,333 I see someone who's actually hot. Come on, let's go get extroverted. 1095 00:56:14,499 --> 00:56:18,337 Unless you're Sal, in which case you come off looking like a fool. 1096 00:56:18,504 --> 00:56:21,340 Yes, Sal the fool. But I understand he has ways of making up for it. 1097 00:56:21,507 --> 00:56:24,343 - I wouldn't know about that. - Don't play coy with me. 1098 00:56:24,510 --> 00:56:26,345 - I know you were practically engaged. - I wouldn't say that. 1099 00:56:26,512 --> 00:56:29,348 - Yes, but you did meet Uncle Miltie. - Can I take the Fifth? 1100 00:56:29,515 --> 00:56:32,351 Please, I've been trying to crack this bottle open for years. 1101 00:56:32,518 --> 00:56:33,352 Please, I've been trying to crack this bottle open for years. 1102 00:56:33,519 --> 00:56:35,312 Oh, my God, those shoes are incredible. 1103 00:56:35,479 --> 00:56:36,313 - Don't you love them? - More than life. 1104 00:56:36,480 --> 00:56:39,316 What I'd give to be a size 5. Charles David? 1105 00:56:39,483 --> 00:56:41,318 - Prada. - Oh, my God, they're adorable. 1106 00:56:41,485 --> 00:56:43,320 - Do they do custom orders? - My God, are you kidding? 1107 00:56:43,487 --> 00:56:45,328 They're my design. I work for the manufacturer. 1108 00:56:45,489 --> 00:56:47,324 - Are you serious? - Like totally. 1109 00:56:47,491 --> 00:56:49,326 Oh, my God. I'm getting married in June. 1110 00:56:49,493 --> 00:56:52,329 I would love if those works of art could be part of my ensemble. 1111 00:56:52,496 --> 00:56:54,331 - Are you serious? - Like totally. 1112 00:56:54,498 --> 00:56:57,334 Oh, my God, I'm flattered. I'll totally make it happen. 1113 00:56:57,501 --> 00:57:00,337 - Tell me everything. Ls he to die for? - To die for this man is easy. 1114 00:57:00,504 --> 00:57:03,340 - It's living for him that's hard. - Oh, my God. 1115 00:57:03,507 --> 00:57:06,343 You can't pull the 11 th-man theory on Debbie, she's a friend. 1116 00:57:06,510 --> 00:57:09,346 You can't fuck your friends, who can you fuck? How you doing? 1117 00:57:09,513 --> 00:57:11,348 - Hi, I'm George. - Hi, George. I'm Amy. 1118 00:57:11,515 --> 00:57:13,435 - What do you got there? - It's an Etch A Sketch. 1119 00:57:13,517 --> 00:57:16,311 I love how Tom leaves it out to see what people do. 1120 00:57:16,478 --> 00:57:18,313 So you did know what it was when you asked? 1121 00:57:18,480 --> 00:57:20,315 - Yeah, but, you know... - Why did you say: 1122 00:57:20,482 --> 00:57:23,318 "Hey, what do you got there?" like you didn't know what it was? 1123 00:57:23,485 --> 00:57:24,485 No, no, no, I didn't say: 1124 00:57:24,486 --> 00:57:28,323 "Hey, what do you got there?" like, "I don't know what that is." 1125 00:57:28,490 --> 00:57:30,325 I said, "Hey, what do you got there?" like: 1126 00:57:30,492 --> 00:57:31,326 "What do you got there?" Like: 1127 00:57:31,493 --> 00:57:35,330 "I know what that is, but for some reason, I want you to tell me." 1128 00:57:35,497 --> 00:57:37,332 What is that, like some sort of game for you? 1129 00:57:37,499 --> 00:57:39,334 I have no idea what to say right now. 1130 00:57:39,501 --> 00:57:43,338 You don't need to say anything, silly. I'm kidding. Sit down. 1131 00:57:43,505 --> 00:57:45,340 - Okay. - I'm making a picture. 1132 00:57:45,507 --> 00:57:46,341 Wow, you did a whole thing. 1133 00:57:46,508 --> 00:57:49,344 - It's two people holding hands. - Holding hands. Of course. 1134 00:57:49,511 --> 00:57:51,346 I thought it was the symbol for United Way. 1135 00:57:51,513 --> 00:57:54,349 - It stands for unity. And friendship. - Unity? Friendship? 1136 00:57:54,516 --> 00:57:56,351 Do you know how to make origami? 1137 00:57:56,518 --> 00:57:59,313 Random segues aside, no, I... Sadly, I don't. 1138 00:57:59,479 --> 00:58:01,315 But if you give me paper and a pen... 1139 00:58:01,481 --> 00:58:03,317 ...I can show you something origami-esque. 1140 00:58:03,483 --> 00:58:05,319 - God, are you serious? - Like totally. 1141 00:58:05,485 --> 00:58:08,322 - Excuse me, are you Sal? - Depends. Are you a bill collector? 1142 00:58:08,488 --> 00:58:10,324 - No. - Were you once a man? 1143 00:58:10,490 --> 00:58:13,327 - No. Oh, yeah. - You over 18? Then, yeah, I'm Sal. 1144 00:58:13,493 --> 00:58:15,329 How you doing? You know Tom? 1145 00:58:15,495 --> 00:58:18,332 Tom, sorry, it's taking us longer to get out than I thought. 1146 00:58:18,498 --> 00:58:20,334 I'm gonna gather the girls. We're gonna go. 1147 00:58:20,501 --> 00:58:22,336 No, no, don't go. Right, Tom? 1148 00:58:22,503 --> 00:58:25,339 I think I just heard George break out his Ouija board. 1149 00:58:25,506 --> 00:58:27,386 I can't do this. I'm gonna go see if she's here. 1150 00:58:27,508 --> 00:58:30,344 Don't do that. She's not here. If she was, she'd be here, right? 1151 00:58:30,511 --> 00:58:32,352 - Not if she's trying to find parking. - Tom... 1152 00:58:32,513 --> 00:58:36,350 - I'm gonna go outside and check. - Don't go. 1153 00:58:36,517 --> 00:58:38,352 - Wow, he's got it bad. - No shit. 1154 00:58:38,519 --> 00:58:40,312 - I hope I never get that way. - Me neither. 1155 00:58:40,479 --> 00:58:42,314 - What'd you say your name was? - Rachel. 1156 00:58:42,481 --> 00:58:45,317 That's right, Rachel. You're Kat's friend, huh? 1157 00:58:45,484 --> 00:58:47,319 - Apparently, so are you. - A long time ago. 1158 00:58:47,486 --> 00:58:49,366 Hope she didn't have too many bad things to say. 1159 00:58:49,488 --> 00:58:51,323 Only thing I remember her saying... 1160 00:58:51,490 --> 00:58:53,450 ...is you didn't feel well the night you went out. 1161 00:58:53,492 --> 00:58:56,328 - Really? - Yeah, said you were a little hoarse. 1162 00:58:56,495 --> 00:58:58,330 - Really? - Yes, he's on his way over. 1163 00:58:58,497 --> 00:59:00,332 - Oh, my God, what's his name? - Kwame Damfu. 1164 00:59:00,499 --> 00:59:02,334 But I call him Chocolate Thunder. 1165 00:59:02,501 --> 00:59:04,461 - Oh, my God, is he black? - Girlfriend, is he ever. 1166 00:59:04,503 --> 00:59:07,339 He's from the island, so he smells like the ocean. 1167 00:59:07,506 --> 00:59:09,341 Put your ear to his chest, you hear waves. 1168 00:59:09,508 --> 00:59:10,348 Do your parents know? 1169 00:59:10,509 --> 00:59:13,345 Wouldn't know a bowling ball if it hit them in the head. 1170 00:59:13,512 --> 00:59:16,348 The world can keep their opinions to themselves. 1171 00:59:16,515 --> 00:59:18,350 - But what about the sex? - You gotta talk about the sex. 1172 00:59:18,517 --> 00:59:20,352 - How else will you learn? - Learn? 1173 00:59:20,519 --> 00:59:23,313 You're talking to a man who can suck a baby through a bench. 1174 00:59:23,480 --> 00:59:25,315 Do you think I got that way on my own? 1175 00:59:25,482 --> 00:59:27,317 I can't even believe I'm hearing this. 1176 00:59:27,484 --> 00:59:30,320 - Will you teach me? - For Prada shoes? Anything. 1177 00:59:30,487 --> 00:59:31,321 Anything? 1178 00:59:31,488 --> 00:59:33,323 Any one thing about yourself you could change. 1179 00:59:33,490 --> 00:59:36,326 - Five. - One, two, three, four, five. 1180 00:59:36,493 --> 00:59:39,329 I think I would like to change the way I look at the world. 1181 00:59:39,496 --> 00:59:41,331 - Green. - Really? How so? G-R-E-E-N. 1182 00:59:41,498 --> 00:59:43,333 I'd like to look at the world... 1183 00:59:43,500 --> 00:59:45,335 ...as though every single person on Earth... 1184 00:59:45,502 --> 00:59:47,337 ...was totally and completely enlightened except me. 1185 00:59:47,504 --> 00:59:49,339 You don't say. 1186 00:59:49,506 --> 00:59:51,341 I'd always learn something new from everyone I meet. 1187 00:59:51,508 --> 00:59:53,343 - Interesting. - Blue. 1188 00:59:53,510 --> 00:59:54,470 - There's no blue. - Red. 1189 00:59:54,511 --> 00:59:57,347 R-E-D. Basically, no experience would ever be lost. 1190 00:59:57,514 --> 01:00:00,350 No matter how much adversity you're faced with... 1191 01:00:00,517 --> 01:00:03,312 ...you'd always continue to grow. 1192 01:00:03,478 --> 01:00:05,478 - Pick an environmental organization. - Greenpeace. 1193 01:00:05,480 --> 01:00:08,317 Look under the flap for Greenpeace. 1194 01:00:08,483 --> 01:00:11,320 Oh, my God. What do you think that means? 1195 01:00:11,486 --> 01:00:14,323 What do you do with your hands? Just twist it on the stroke? 1196 01:00:14,489 --> 01:00:15,324 - Or do you go handsfree? - Oh, my God. 1197 01:00:15,490 --> 01:00:17,326 I am so glad you asked me that. 1198 01:00:17,492 --> 01:00:21,330 Whoever's down there for you couldn't possibly know what you need them to. 1199 01:00:21,496 --> 01:00:24,333 It's the same with us. I know men who make women stop. 1200 01:00:24,499 --> 01:00:26,335 - "It's not a fucking artichoke." - Are you kidding? 1201 01:00:26,502 --> 01:00:29,338 - Girlfriend, I so am not. - Do you think that's me? 1202 01:00:29,505 --> 01:00:31,505 - I thought I was so good. - Honey, every woman does. 1203 01:00:31,507 --> 01:00:35,344 Lt takes a man to know a man. Frankly, I am like the Shaolin master. 1204 01:00:35,511 --> 01:00:36,345 - Are you serious? - Totally. 1205 01:00:36,512 --> 01:00:38,347 - What do I do? - First you gotta love it. 1206 01:00:38,514 --> 01:00:43,352 If you don't, you shouldn't be there. You have to get in there and just: 1207 01:00:43,519 --> 01:00:46,313 I cannot tell you what a positive attitude will do for a blowjob. 1208 01:00:46,480 --> 01:00:48,315 - Got it. - Next, you gotta take it all. 1209 01:00:48,482 --> 01:00:50,317 - All? - You want perfection, don't you? 1210 01:00:50,484 --> 01:00:52,325 But what if he's, like, Shaq? I'm a small girl. 1211 01:00:52,486 --> 01:00:55,322 Then, honey, you have to learn to unhinge like a fucking python. 1212 01:00:55,489 --> 01:00:58,325 You will never be queen until you learn to swallow the king. 1213 01:00:58,492 --> 01:01:00,327 - Oh, my God. - You gotta work that taint. 1214 01:01:00,494 --> 01:01:02,329 Use a lot of saliva, absolutely no teeth. 1215 01:01:02,496 --> 01:01:05,332 Last but certainly not least, the quintessential move. 1216 01:01:05,499 --> 01:01:07,334 - The keys to the kingdom. - Yes? 1217 01:01:07,501 --> 01:01:09,336 The way to fucking bang cock in Bangkok is... 1218 01:01:09,503 --> 01:01:11,338 - Yeah? - You gotta lick that ass. 1219 01:01:11,505 --> 01:01:13,340 Don't even be shy about it, sweetheart. 1220 01:01:13,507 --> 01:01:15,342 - You gotta get all up in there. - What? 1221 01:01:15,509 --> 01:01:18,345 Ask any man who's had it done well and they will tell you: 1222 01:01:18,512 --> 01:01:22,349 "Lt ain't a blowjob until you've tapped that ass." 1223 01:01:22,516 --> 01:01:24,351 I cringe to think what else she had to say. 1224 01:01:24,518 --> 01:01:26,311 - She didn't say much. - Compared to what? 1225 01:01:26,478 --> 01:01:29,314 - Girls talk. You know this. - I guess that rules out you and me. 1226 01:01:29,481 --> 01:01:31,316 - Why? - Don't girls have a code? 1227 01:01:31,483 --> 01:01:33,318 I've been Katherine, a friend of yours, so... 1228 01:01:33,485 --> 01:01:37,322 If I met a girl that'd been with a friend, she'd be off-limits till the end of time. 1229 01:01:37,489 --> 01:01:40,325 Don't you girls have that same rule? 1230 01:01:40,492 --> 01:01:42,327 Some do, but women are more competitive... 1231 01:01:42,494 --> 01:01:45,330 ...so once word gets out on a man with potential... 1232 01:01:45,497 --> 01:01:47,332 ...women do some pretty outlandish shit. 1233 01:01:47,499 --> 01:01:48,333 Really? 1234 01:01:48,500 --> 01:01:50,335 Nothing so overt as the 11 th-man theory. 1235 01:01:50,502 --> 01:01:53,338 But women have to make everything seem like the man's idea. 1236 01:01:53,505 --> 01:01:56,341 - You know about 11 th-man? - Doesn't everybody? 1237 01:01:56,508 --> 01:01:58,388 - George told you, didn't he? - Yep, at the bar. 1238 01:01:58,510 --> 01:02:02,347 - Bastard. - You see, women are more subtle. 1239 01:02:02,514 --> 01:02:03,348 - They circle. - Like sharks. 1240 01:02:03,515 --> 01:02:05,350 They get a man in their sights... 1241 01:02:05,517 --> 01:02:08,312 ...and put themselves in close physical proximity to him... 1242 01:02:08,478 --> 01:02:11,315 ...so he's forced to make a move, making him think he is the aggressor. 1243 01:02:11,481 --> 01:02:14,318 You go through that just to get a guy to talk? 1244 01:02:14,484 --> 01:02:16,320 You have no idea what we go through. 1245 01:02:16,486 --> 01:02:18,322 You guys are like the fucking Godfather or something. 1246 01:02:18,488 --> 01:02:21,325 If you're so smart and know so much, what am I supposed to do? 1247 01:02:21,491 --> 01:02:24,328 You're supposed to ask me to go outside... 1248 01:02:24,494 --> 01:02:26,374 ...to help you bring that thing in from the car. 1249 01:02:26,496 --> 01:02:29,333 And somehow, we never seem to make it back. 1250 01:02:29,499 --> 01:02:31,335 - Really? - Really. 1251 01:02:31,502 --> 01:02:33,422 - Remind me never to piss you off. - Don't worry. 1252 01:02:33,504 --> 01:02:36,340 I'll make sure you get all the right instructions. 1253 01:02:36,507 --> 01:02:38,387 What instructions? Take two parts H, one part O. 1254 01:02:38,509 --> 01:02:40,344 Then pour them down the drain. 1255 01:02:40,511 --> 01:02:42,346 You never water down a 40-year-old Scotch. 1256 01:02:42,513 --> 01:02:45,349 I'm glad to see Tom has you around to stay on top of these things. 1257 01:02:45,516 --> 01:02:49,311 I'm trying to get as numb as possible before Tom's girl gets here. 1258 01:02:49,478 --> 01:02:51,313 This is gonna hurt me almost as bad him. 1259 01:02:51,480 --> 01:02:53,315 You really think she's over him? 1260 01:02:53,482 --> 01:02:55,317 Women don't make a move unless they're ready. 1261 01:02:55,484 --> 01:02:58,320 They could be with a guy and spend the last six months... 1262 01:02:58,487 --> 01:03:01,323 ...trying to get over the guy, so when they're ready, they move on. 1263 01:03:01,490 --> 01:03:03,325 Guys are totally different. 1264 01:03:03,492 --> 01:03:06,328 When they break up, they do it fast, but can spend years... 1265 01:03:06,495 --> 01:03:09,331 ...trying to get over the girl because they don't think it through. 1266 01:03:09,498 --> 01:03:11,458 I take it you don't have any huge love problems... 1267 01:03:11,500 --> 01:03:13,335 ...walking through that door. 1268 01:03:13,502 --> 01:03:14,336 No, I'm married. 1269 01:03:14,503 --> 01:03:18,340 That's why you're out at 3:00 in the morning drinking with the boys. 1270 01:03:18,507 --> 01:03:21,343 No, I'm not exactly out drinking, I live upstairs. 1271 01:03:21,510 --> 01:03:24,346 - Your wife doesn't drink? - No, I don't sleep. I'm an architect. 1272 01:03:24,513 --> 01:03:27,349 I do most of my drawing at night, and when my wife nods off... 1273 01:03:27,516 --> 01:03:30,352 ...I sometimes come down here to procrastinate. 1274 01:03:30,519 --> 01:03:33,313 Okay, so are you gonna stick with that one... 1275 01:03:33,480 --> 01:03:36,316 ...or you want some time to come up with something else? 1276 01:03:36,483 --> 01:03:38,324 Man, I ain't got time to think of nothing else. 1277 01:03:38,485 --> 01:03:40,320 - She's not here now. - She's gonna be. 1278 01:03:40,487 --> 01:03:42,322 The anticipation is giving me a panic attack. 1279 01:03:42,489 --> 01:03:45,325 Can you please just calm down? Just relax and breathe. 1280 01:03:45,492 --> 01:03:47,327 Oh, yeah, right. Breathe, breathe. 1281 01:03:47,494 --> 01:03:49,374 People say, "Breathe," when you can't breathe. 1282 01:03:49,496 --> 01:03:52,332 If you could, you'd be breathing. Makes no sense. 1283 01:03:52,499 --> 01:03:54,334 A lot of things don't make sense, like waiting outside... 1284 01:03:54,501 --> 01:03:58,338 ...for a woman who doesn't appreciate you and has no idea who you are. 1285 01:03:58,505 --> 01:04:01,341 - What are you talking about? - How long have you been together? 1286 01:04:01,508 --> 01:04:02,348 - Three years? - Yeah. 1287 01:04:02,509 --> 01:04:05,345 - Did you ever think about cheating? - No. 1288 01:04:05,512 --> 01:04:07,347 - Ever lie to her? Ever hit her? - No. No. 1289 01:04:07,514 --> 01:04:08,435 - Treat her badly? - No. 1290 01:04:08,515 --> 01:04:10,350 - Tell her she was beautiful? - Every day. 1291 01:04:10,517 --> 01:04:12,352 - Remember her birthday? - Course. 1292 01:04:12,519 --> 01:04:15,314 And you bought her flowers, even for no apparent reason at all? 1293 01:04:15,480 --> 01:04:19,318 - Yeah. - That's exactly what I'm talking about. 1294 01:04:19,484 --> 01:04:21,404 You are a good man. You are a decent human being. 1295 01:04:21,486 --> 01:04:23,327 If she doesn't know what kind of man you are... 1296 01:04:23,488 --> 01:04:26,325 ...then I am sorry, she doesn't deserve to be with you. 1297 01:04:26,491 --> 01:04:29,328 So now you're out here, freaking out for no good reason. 1298 01:04:29,494 --> 01:04:31,330 No, I think there's a pretty good reason. 1299 01:04:31,496 --> 01:04:34,833 Oh, yeah? What's that? 1300 01:04:39,505 --> 01:04:41,340 I was gonna ask Sara to marry me tonight. 1301 01:04:41,507 --> 01:04:42,341 What? 1302 01:04:42,508 --> 01:04:45,344 I went to the bar to knock back a couple shots of liquid courage... 1303 01:04:45,511 --> 01:04:48,347 ...so I can come home and have the nerve to ask her. 1304 01:04:48,514 --> 01:04:49,354 Never got the chance. 1305 01:04:49,515 --> 01:04:53,352 - And she still doesn't know? - No. 1306 01:04:53,519 --> 01:04:54,311 But wait a sec. No, no, no. 1307 01:04:54,478 --> 01:04:57,314 What about this party and all of these people in there? 1308 01:04:57,481 --> 01:05:00,317 Sal invited you guys, didn't he? I mean, I didn't. 1309 01:05:00,484 --> 01:05:01,318 I only invited him, Ken and George. 1310 01:05:01,485 --> 01:05:04,321 I thought it would be cool if they were here when I asked. 1311 01:05:04,488 --> 01:05:07,324 Surprise them all, you know, it being Valentine's Day. 1312 01:05:07,491 --> 01:05:10,327 You're telling me all those guys don't know either? 1313 01:05:10,494 --> 01:05:12,329 No. I think it's actually ironic... 1314 01:05:12,496 --> 01:05:15,332 ...that all Sara ever talked about was us getting married... 1315 01:05:15,499 --> 01:05:19,336 ...and now when I'm finally ready to do it, she's gone. 1316 01:05:19,503 --> 01:05:21,338 Do you think maybe she got sick of waiting? 1317 01:05:21,505 --> 01:05:23,340 I don't know. 1318 01:05:23,507 --> 01:05:25,342 You have to tell her. You know that, Tom. 1319 01:05:25,509 --> 01:05:28,345 I know it's gonna seem like really bad timing and everything... 1320 01:05:28,512 --> 01:05:30,347 ...but you know you have to tell her. 1321 01:05:30,514 --> 01:05:34,351 - It's not too late. - I don't know, Deb. 1322 01:05:34,518 --> 01:05:36,311 I mean, it just doesn't seem right. 1323 01:05:36,478 --> 01:05:39,314 Girl not wanting to be with you because you don't ask her to marry... 1324 01:05:39,481 --> 01:05:42,317 ...within the time frame she feels is appropriate? 1325 01:05:42,484 --> 01:05:45,320 - What about love? - Tom... 1326 01:05:45,487 --> 01:05:47,322 I always wanted to marry Sara, Deb. Always. 1327 01:05:47,489 --> 01:05:50,325 I just wanted it to be my idea, you know? 1328 01:05:50,492 --> 01:05:52,327 And not feel like I'm being pressured... 1329 01:05:52,494 --> 01:05:56,331 ...into doing something I was gonna do in the first place. 1330 01:05:56,498 --> 01:06:00,335 If... If two people really love each other, that's what should matter. 1331 01:06:00,502 --> 01:06:02,462 And all this necessity to get married and stuff... 1332 01:06:02,504 --> 01:06:04,339 ...is just insecurity. 1333 01:06:04,506 --> 01:06:07,342 I hate to break it to you, Tom, but women need security. 1334 01:06:07,509 --> 01:06:09,344 Everybody does, Deb, don't they? 1335 01:06:09,511 --> 01:06:11,346 - What exactly are you trying to say? - I'm not trying to say anything. 1336 01:06:11,513 --> 01:06:13,348 - What exactly are you trying to say? - I'm not trying to say anything. 1337 01:06:13,515 --> 01:06:15,350 I just know men, that's all. 1338 01:06:15,517 --> 01:06:17,352 - You do? - Especially the married kind. 1339 01:06:17,519 --> 01:06:19,313 And I know that if you're sneaking out... 1340 01:06:19,479 --> 01:06:22,316 ...at 3:00 in the morning while your wife's in bed sleeping... 1341 01:06:22,482 --> 01:06:25,319 ...then you're not just down here drinking, baby. 1342 01:06:25,485 --> 01:06:28,322 - You're here looking for something. - And what do you suppose that is? 1343 01:06:28,488 --> 01:06:31,325 - Probably yesterday. - Yesterday? 1344 01:06:31,491 --> 01:06:34,328 You can't just go out and win the Kentucky Derby every year. 1345 01:06:34,494 --> 01:06:37,331 Eventually they gotta put you out to stud. 1346 01:06:37,497 --> 01:06:40,334 But I bet you used to be the man back in the day, didn't you? 1347 01:06:40,501 --> 01:06:42,336 Okay, hold on. 1348 01:06:42,503 --> 01:06:44,338 What's all this "yesterday" and "used to be" business? 1349 01:06:44,505 --> 01:06:47,341 Oh, now, sugar, don't go getting any more gray hairs over it. 1350 01:06:47,508 --> 01:06:50,344 Lt happens to every man, and I can tell by looking at you... 1351 01:06:50,511 --> 01:06:54,348 ...I bet right before you hung it up, you left a trail behind you. 1352 01:06:54,515 --> 01:06:57,355 Probably had their panties all wet, lungs breathing hard, talking about: 1353 01:06:57,518 --> 01:07:02,314 "Can I come by and pick up that thing I accidentally left on purpose?" 1354 01:07:02,481 --> 01:07:04,441 But you got bored and thought you'd settle down... 1355 01:07:04,483 --> 01:07:06,318 ...with a woman who'd settle you down. 1356 01:07:06,485 --> 01:07:10,322 You didn't realize that sort of shit got to happen from the inside. 1357 01:07:10,489 --> 01:07:12,324 Ain't no woman on Earth can do that for you. 1358 01:07:12,491 --> 01:07:13,491 But now you're married... 1359 01:07:13,492 --> 01:07:16,328 ...with that wolf still running around in your head, screaming: 1360 01:07:16,495 --> 01:07:19,331 "Oh, I got to get out and run." 1361 01:07:19,498 --> 01:07:22,334 So that's why, on restless nights like this when you can't sleep... 1362 01:07:22,501 --> 01:07:25,337 ...you feel the need to come here and rub against it. 1363 01:07:25,504 --> 01:07:26,338 You know why, Kenny? 1364 01:07:26,505 --> 01:07:29,341 Because deep down inside, you are still the man. 1365 01:07:29,508 --> 01:07:31,343 - Thank you. - Good night. 1366 01:07:31,510 --> 01:07:34,346 I'll be right there. Excuse me, Tom, I'll say good night. 1367 01:07:34,513 --> 01:07:37,349 - Where you going? - I'm gonna show Rachel that thing. 1368 01:07:37,516 --> 01:07:40,352 - What thing? - You know, that thing in my car. 1369 01:07:40,519 --> 01:07:42,312 - No, I don't know. What thing? - You know, that thing. 1370 01:07:42,479 --> 01:07:45,315 Ln my car. The can't-get-lost system. 1371 01:07:45,482 --> 01:07:47,317 - Oh, the can't-get-lost system. - Can't-get-lost system. 1372 01:07:47,484 --> 01:07:51,321 - Also known as the Northstar system. - The Northstar system. 1373 01:07:51,488 --> 01:07:53,323 I thought you were gonna stay and help me out. 1374 01:07:53,490 --> 01:07:57,327 I'm not good with the boy-girl thing. Anything I say is gonna make it worse. 1375 01:07:57,494 --> 01:07:59,329 I don't think that's necessarily true. 1376 01:07:59,496 --> 01:08:01,331 I'm dealing with a force greater than my own. 1377 01:08:01,498 --> 01:08:02,378 If you'll excuse me... 1378 01:08:02,499 --> 01:08:06,336 I'm gonna go show Rachel the Northstar system in my car. 1379 01:08:06,503 --> 01:08:09,339 Good night, Tom. 1380 01:08:09,506 --> 01:08:12,342 I never thought I'd say this, but Sal may have met his match. 1381 01:08:12,509 --> 01:08:14,350 Believe me, you don't even know the half of it. 1382 01:08:14,511 --> 01:08:17,347 Hey, what do you think you're doing? 1383 01:08:17,514 --> 01:08:19,514 I'm about to open the door. What does it look like? 1384 01:08:19,516 --> 01:08:21,351 When you're with me, you don't touch a door. 1385 01:08:21,518 --> 01:08:23,312 Not that you can't. I know you can. 1386 01:08:23,478 --> 01:08:26,315 Lt would just be my honor if you let me do that for you. 1387 01:08:26,481 --> 01:08:29,318 Are you gonna walk on the street when I'm on the sidewalk? 1388 01:08:29,484 --> 01:08:32,321 And behind when you go up the stairs, in front when you go down. 1389 01:08:32,487 --> 01:08:35,324 I know my Emily Post. 1390 01:08:35,490 --> 01:08:37,326 - I'm impressed. - No need, really. 1391 01:08:37,492 --> 01:08:39,328 It's what every man should know and no man really does. 1392 01:08:39,494 --> 01:08:41,330 Will you let me pick up the check? 1393 01:08:41,496 --> 01:08:45,334 You can pretend to reach, just so I can say, "Baby, don't be ridiculous." 1394 01:08:45,501 --> 01:08:48,337 Katherine did say you were a gentleman. 1395 01:08:48,504 --> 01:08:50,339 Oh, I can be gentle sometimes... 1396 01:08:50,506 --> 01:08:53,342 ...till it's time to be not so gentle. 1397 01:08:53,509 --> 01:08:55,344 Excuse me. 1398 01:08:55,511 --> 01:08:59,348 I'm looking for 3356 Commonwealth. Do you know where I might find this? 1399 01:08:59,515 --> 01:09:02,351 Yeah, it's right there. I just came out of there. 1400 01:09:02,518 --> 01:09:03,352 Thank you. Wait. 1401 01:09:03,519 --> 01:09:07,314 Do you by chance know my friend Wayne, for whom I am looking? 1402 01:09:07,481 --> 01:09:08,315 I am Kwame Damfu. 1403 01:09:08,482 --> 01:09:11,318 Yeah, I know your friend, partner. He's a friend of mine too. 1404 01:09:11,485 --> 01:09:15,322 - I'm Sal. - Sal. I'm so very blessed to meet you. 1405 01:09:15,489 --> 01:09:18,325 Wayne has told me many wonderful things about you. 1406 01:09:18,492 --> 01:09:21,328 That's because he's a good person. You should remember that. 1407 01:09:21,495 --> 01:09:24,331 - Oh, I will, always. - That's good. 1408 01:09:24,498 --> 01:09:29,795 Because I'd hate to have to remind you, you understand? 1409 01:09:31,505 --> 01:09:33,340 Yes. I understand. 1410 01:09:33,507 --> 01:09:35,342 That's good, because right now he may be your boy... 1411 01:09:35,509 --> 01:09:38,345 ...but he's always been my boy. 1412 01:09:38,512 --> 01:09:41,348 Nice to meet you, Kwame. 1413 01:09:41,515 --> 01:09:44,351 Have a good night. 1414 01:09:44,518 --> 01:09:46,311 Say I'm wrong. Say I'm wrong... 1415 01:09:46,478 --> 01:09:50,315 ...and I will finish my drink, gather up my girls, and I will leave. 1416 01:09:50,482 --> 01:09:52,317 But if I'm right... Oh, baby, if I'm right. 1417 01:09:52,484 --> 01:09:54,319 Then do yourself a favor, Kenny. 1418 01:09:54,486 --> 01:09:57,322 Cut yourself a break. Live a little. 1419 01:09:57,489 --> 01:09:58,323 Come with me now... 1420 01:09:58,490 --> 01:10:01,326 ...because life is too short, and you only live once. 1421 01:10:01,493 --> 01:10:03,328 But if you live it right, once can be enough. 1422 01:10:03,495 --> 01:10:04,329 - You really think so? - Yes. 1423 01:10:04,496 --> 01:10:07,332 - And you honestly mean that? - Yes. 1424 01:10:07,499 --> 01:10:09,334 - Then you know what, Katherine? - What? 1425 01:10:09,501 --> 01:10:15,340 That is the most cheesiest-ass bullshit I have ever heard in my entire life. 1426 01:10:15,507 --> 01:10:18,343 But I bet the speech works on a lot of married men, doesn't it? 1427 01:10:18,510 --> 01:10:21,346 Backed-up fools who are tired of fucking their wives... 1428 01:10:21,513 --> 01:10:23,348 ...and hate their marriage. 1429 01:10:23,515 --> 01:10:27,352 When they hear you repeat that shit, they can't wait to get freaky with you... 1430 01:10:27,519 --> 01:10:30,314 ...playing "Glory Days" on the radio, thinking they still got it. 1431 01:10:30,480 --> 01:10:33,317 - I don't think you... - No, no, I know. You don't think. 1432 01:10:33,483 --> 01:10:34,318 Sweetie, you probably should... 1433 01:10:34,484 --> 01:10:37,321 ...because you're out breaking a lot of people's hearts... 1434 01:10:37,487 --> 01:10:40,324 ...and hurting a lot of people you don't even realize you're hurting. 1435 01:10:40,490 --> 01:10:42,326 And that ain't fucking cool. 1436 01:10:42,492 --> 01:10:44,328 So now go gather up your girls and go. 1437 01:10:44,494 --> 01:10:47,331 And the next time, try having some respect... 1438 01:10:47,497 --> 01:10:48,332 ...for people's relationships. 1439 01:10:48,498 --> 01:10:50,334 Nowadays, not a lot of people do. 1440 01:10:50,501 --> 01:10:52,336 Kenneth Albert Anderson. 1441 01:10:52,503 --> 01:10:55,339 Why are you here drinking at 3:00 in the goddamn morning? 1442 01:10:55,506 --> 01:10:57,341 - Kenny, your wife's here. - Thank you. 1443 01:10:57,508 --> 01:10:58,429 Sorry-ass motherfucker. 1444 01:10:58,509 --> 01:11:00,344 Are you kidding me with this? Again? 1445 01:11:00,511 --> 01:11:03,347 - Come on, girls, let's go. - Don't leave without me. 1446 01:11:03,514 --> 01:11:05,349 Wait, where's everybody go...? 1447 01:11:05,516 --> 01:11:08,352 Turn down my good shit. I ain't never coming here again. 1448 01:11:08,519 --> 01:11:11,313 If you make me get out of bed and come looking for you... 1449 01:11:11,480 --> 01:11:12,314 ...one more time, just one more time... 1450 01:11:12,481 --> 01:11:14,316 Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? 1451 01:11:14,483 --> 01:11:19,196 Then you'd better have one of those for me. 1452 01:11:19,488 --> 01:11:20,322 - Kwame. - Wayne. 1453 01:11:20,489 --> 01:11:22,449 - I'm so glad you're here. - See what I did there? 1454 01:11:22,491 --> 01:11:25,327 - That whole irate-wife thing? - Very convincing. 1455 01:11:25,494 --> 01:11:28,334 - Let me introduce you to my friends. - Oh, my God, Tom. Sara's outside. 1456 01:11:28,497 --> 01:11:31,333 On second thought, maybe not. Come on, let's evaporate. 1457 01:11:31,500 --> 01:11:34,336 - What's she doing? - She's looking for parking. 1458 01:11:34,503 --> 01:11:37,339 - Shit, she can't find parking. - Good, Sara's coming up? 1459 01:11:37,506 --> 01:11:38,340 - Yeah, but we're leaving. - George! 1460 01:11:38,507 --> 01:11:41,343 Yes, can't you see? You have a terrible green hue. 1461 01:11:41,510 --> 01:11:45,347 - Are you flushed? Seeing spots? - No, but will you take my temperature? 1462 01:11:45,514 --> 01:11:48,350 - George! She can't find parking. - Be strong, Tommy. 1463 01:11:48,517 --> 01:11:51,397 And remember, you have to tell her. Please tell me you're gonna tell her. 1464 01:11:51,478 --> 01:11:55,315 - Tell her. Don't forget. - George! 1465 01:11:55,482 --> 01:11:58,318 Would you wanna go out sometime, get an ice-cream cone or something? 1466 01:11:58,485 --> 01:12:00,320 - Ice-cream cone? - Yeah. 1467 01:12:00,487 --> 01:12:01,321 Or the observatory or Color Me Mine. 1468 01:12:01,488 --> 01:12:04,324 Of course I would. I think that would be fun. 1469 01:12:04,491 --> 01:12:06,326 - Wow, great. - George, the booze. 1470 01:12:06,493 --> 01:12:08,328 The booze, George. She's gonna think I'm celebrating. 1471 01:12:08,495 --> 01:12:10,330 - I got it. No, I got it. - Need help? 1472 01:12:10,497 --> 01:12:12,377 I put my number under "yellow" in the... thing. 1473 01:12:12,499 --> 01:12:16,336 If you wanna call me or if late at night, there's ever a scary noise... 1474 01:12:16,503 --> 01:12:19,339 ...and you don't have anyone to call, then you can call me. 1475 01:12:19,506 --> 01:12:21,341 - Thanks, George. - Yeah. 1476 01:12:21,508 --> 01:12:23,343 - George, come on. - I'd better get going. 1477 01:12:23,510 --> 01:12:25,345 Okay, well, goodbye. Bye. 1478 01:12:25,512 --> 01:12:27,347 - Bye. - Oh, shit. 1479 01:12:27,514 --> 01:12:30,350 And thanks for having us, Tom. I really had a good time. 1480 01:12:30,517 --> 01:12:33,312 No problem, Amy. No problem, thanks for coming. 1481 01:12:33,478 --> 01:12:37,316 You figured out what you're gonna do yet? 1482 01:12:37,482 --> 01:12:40,319 Wanna know the truth? Not a clue. 1483 01:12:40,485 --> 01:12:43,322 Then I think that you should probably close this door... 1484 01:12:43,488 --> 01:12:47,326 ...and not really open it until you've thought of what you're gonna say. 1485 01:12:47,492 --> 01:12:50,329 Look, you don't understand. She's outside trying to find parking. 1486 01:12:50,495 --> 01:12:52,331 When she does, she's gonna come in and just... 1487 01:12:52,497 --> 01:12:55,334 - How about "I love you"? - Excuse me? 1488 01:12:55,501 --> 01:12:56,335 What about telling her you love her? 1489 01:12:56,502 --> 01:12:59,338 Well, that's great and everything. Lt is, Amy, it is. 1490 01:12:59,505 --> 01:13:03,342 But, you know, it's... It's not that simple. 1491 01:13:03,509 --> 01:13:05,344 I mean... 1492 01:13:05,511 --> 01:13:08,351 It isn't like we haven't said that to each other a million times before. 1493 01:13:08,514 --> 01:13:11,350 You know, I just... I... 1494 01:13:11,517 --> 01:13:14,311 I just don't think that means anything to anybody now. 1495 01:13:14,478 --> 01:13:17,314 - What are you talking about? - I mean, it's true, isn't it? 1496 01:13:17,481 --> 01:13:20,317 Either people say it too much or they say it and don't mean it. 1497 01:13:20,484 --> 01:13:22,319 I mean, it's just words to me now. 1498 01:13:22,486 --> 01:13:23,320 Well, maybe that's because... 1499 01:13:23,487 --> 01:13:26,323 ...you don't really know what those words mean yourself. 1500 01:13:26,490 --> 01:13:28,325 Yeah. 1501 01:13:28,492 --> 01:13:32,329 Do you know what love really is, Tom? 1502 01:13:32,496 --> 01:13:35,332 Love is a one-way street going from you out. 1503 01:13:35,499 --> 01:13:38,335 And you give it because it makes you feel good. 1504 01:13:38,502 --> 01:13:40,337 When you give it, it makes you strong. 1505 01:13:40,504 --> 01:13:43,340 And that crazy, vulnerable, out-of-control, scary feeling... 1506 01:13:43,507 --> 01:13:46,343 ...the feeling that most people think is love? 1507 01:13:46,510 --> 01:13:50,347 It's not really love at all. It's just the need to be loved. 1508 01:13:50,514 --> 01:13:52,349 And believe me, it's a very different thing. 1509 01:13:52,516 --> 01:13:55,352 Love isn't, "I love you," hoping the person's gonna say: 1510 01:13:55,519 --> 01:13:58,313 "I love you too." It's just, "I love you." 1511 01:13:58,480 --> 01:14:00,321 It's like giving someone a gift at Christmas... 1512 01:14:00,482 --> 01:14:03,318 ...and if you get anything back, that's a bonus, that's extra. 1513 01:14:03,485 --> 01:14:05,320 But you shouldn't need to receive it... 1514 01:14:05,487 --> 01:14:08,323 ...because the true strength is in the giving of it. 1515 01:14:08,490 --> 01:14:10,325 But then again, that's just what I think. 1516 01:14:10,492 --> 01:14:14,997 But what do I know? I don't know anything. 1517 01:14:21,503 --> 01:14:24,047 - Hi. - Hi. 1518 01:14:29,511 --> 01:14:31,346 Looks like you had a few people over tonight. 1519 01:14:31,513 --> 01:14:36,101 Yeah, well, it's Valentine's Day, remember? 1520 01:14:38,478 --> 01:14:40,314 You know, as hard as I tried... 1521 01:14:40,480 --> 01:14:45,319 ...I couldn't seem to figure out a way to get those two bags into my car. 1522 01:14:45,485 --> 01:14:49,281 You want a drink or something? 1523 01:14:49,489 --> 01:14:53,327 Look, okay, Sara, look at me for a second, all right? 1524 01:14:53,493 --> 01:14:56,330 For a second. I know you got a lot on your mind. 1525 01:14:56,496 --> 01:15:01,210 I know you got a lot of things to figure out. 1526 01:15:01,502 --> 01:15:03,337 And up until very recently, I thought... 1527 01:15:03,504 --> 01:15:06,340 I thought I needed you here with me in my life... 1528 01:15:06,507 --> 01:15:08,342 ...for me to feel the way I feel about you. 1529 01:15:08,509 --> 01:15:13,347 But just all of a sudden, I just... I suddenly realized I don't. 1530 01:15:13,514 --> 01:15:16,350 I mean, I want us to be together and everything. 1531 01:15:16,517 --> 01:15:20,312 But I just realized I don't need you here with me... 1532 01:15:20,479 --> 01:15:23,315 ...in order for me to love you, because I'm always gonna love you. 1533 01:15:23,482 --> 01:15:26,318 And if you were to leave now and go to China for six months... 1534 01:15:26,485 --> 01:15:28,320 ...I'm still gonna love you. 1535 01:15:28,487 --> 01:15:30,322 And if you gain 50 pounds, I'm still gonna love you. 1536 01:15:30,489 --> 01:15:31,323 And you know what? 1537 01:15:31,490 --> 01:15:36,328 After this moment, if I never see you again, I'm still gonna love you. 1538 01:15:36,495 --> 01:15:39,331 And if you don't feel that way about me... 1539 01:15:39,498 --> 01:15:41,333 ...I know it's gotta be tough on you... 1540 01:15:41,500 --> 01:15:44,336 ...because it's been hell on me as it is... 1541 01:15:44,503 --> 01:15:47,339 ...and I know that you're the greatest thing that ever was. 1542 01:15:47,506 --> 01:15:52,344 And I'm just lucky to have spent the last three years of my life with you. 1543 01:15:52,511 --> 01:15:55,889 But I do love you, Tom. 1544 01:15:58,517 --> 01:16:00,936 I know. 1545 01:16:01,478 --> 01:16:05,649 Maybe I should stay and we can talk. 1546 01:16:06,483 --> 01:16:08,318 No, no, no, I think you should go. 1547 01:16:08,485 --> 01:16:09,445 I think you should go... 1548 01:16:09,486 --> 01:16:13,323 ...and figure out whatever it is you gotta figure out. 1549 01:16:13,490 --> 01:16:15,325 And if you wanna come back, come back. 1550 01:16:15,492 --> 01:16:18,328 And if you don't, that's cool too. 1551 01:16:18,495 --> 01:16:20,330 But whatever happens, you gotta know: 1552 01:16:20,497 --> 01:16:22,332 You're the love of my life... 1553 01:16:22,499 --> 01:16:26,879 ...and I'm just lucky to have known you. 1554 01:16:32,509 --> 01:16:35,512 Good night, Sara. 1555 01:17:09,505 --> 01:17:12,049 Hey, Tom. 1556 01:17:12,508 --> 01:17:14,343 Kitchen's clean. 1557 01:17:14,510 --> 01:17:16,345 Good. Snap on the stereo. 1558 01:17:16,512 --> 01:17:20,891 We're gonna make two more dirty glasses. 1559 01:23:21,502 --> 01:23:25,339 What exactly is the story with that guy? 1560 01:23:25,506 --> 01:23:27,341 Strange you should ask. 1561 01:23:27,508 --> 01:23:29,343 - Got a cock the size of Florida. - That's what I hear. 1562 01:23:29,510 --> 01:23:32,346 But his tongue, what does he do with his tongue? 1563 01:23:32,513 --> 01:23:34,348 I hear he can part his hair with his tongue. 1564 01:23:34,515 --> 01:23:36,350 Really? Must be the yoga. 1565 01:23:36,517 --> 01:23:38,352 - Downward-facing doggy style. - Yeah. 1566 01:23:38,519 --> 01:23:43,315 He told me he could lick his asshole. He did. He did, I swear to God. 1567 01:23:43,482 --> 01:23:47,569 - Cut. - Didn't you say that earlier? 1568 01:23:48,487 --> 01:23:50,322 I got no... I got no problem holding... 1569 01:23:50,489 --> 01:23:53,325 You spend so much time going to places you never go... 1570 01:23:53,492 --> 01:23:55,327 ...trying not to run into people you do know. 1571 01:23:55,494 --> 01:24:00,082 It's just... It's not practical. Besides... 1572 01:24:00,499 --> 01:24:03,335 This chocolate looks good. 1573 01:24:03,502 --> 01:24:07,339 We're ready to rock. Let's do it. Everybody ready? 1574 01:24:07,506 --> 01:24:09,341 - You're goddamn right. - Let's roll. 1575 01:24:09,508 --> 01:24:12,177 And action. 1576 01:24:14,513 --> 01:24:16,974 Come on. 1577 01:24:17,516 --> 01:24:19,351 Because you only live once... 1578 01:24:19,518 --> 01:24:23,605 ...and, you know, life is so short. 1579 01:24:24,481 --> 01:24:28,318 But if you do it right and you live it right... 1580 01:24:28,485 --> 01:24:31,822 ...once can be enough. 1581 01:24:34,491 --> 01:24:36,785 What? 1582 01:24:37,494 --> 01:24:42,332 I didn't expect that the scene was gonna go that way. 1583 01:24:42,499 --> 01:24:45,460 Can be enough. 1584 01:24:46,503 --> 01:24:48,338 You can't lean in that close to give me... 1585 01:24:48,505 --> 01:24:50,385 - Why? You told me to. - No, but not that close. 1586 01:24:50,507 --> 01:24:53,343 - Okay. - Because then I'm pulling away. 1587 01:24:53,510 --> 01:24:54,344 - All right. - I gotta lean into you. 1588 01:24:54,511 --> 01:24:56,346 You said get up in your face. 1589 01:24:56,513 --> 01:24:58,348 - You know. - All right, let's do it. 1590 01:24:58,515 --> 01:25:02,352 The best ensemble in a bathroom. 1591 01:25:02,519 --> 01:25:05,314 The best potty performance you'll ever see. 1592 01:25:05,480 --> 01:25:09,318 Only being honest. Are you getting this over there? Fuck. 1593 01:25:09,484 --> 01:25:10,319 All right, listen up, people. 1594 01:25:10,485 --> 01:25:12,321 I have one thing to say about this last take. 1595 01:25:12,487 --> 01:25:16,533 I loved it, but I'll never use it. 1596 01:25:21,496 --> 01:25:24,333 Oh, my God, Sal's gay. 1597 01:25:24,499 --> 01:25:27,336 God. You see what happens when you try to be nice? 1598 01:25:27,503 --> 01:25:29,503 Your friends think you're a fag. So much for karma. 1599 01:25:29,505 --> 01:25:31,340 You gotta get down there and kind of: 1600 01:25:31,507 --> 01:25:35,344 Kind of: Kind of: Gotta get in there and just: 1601 01:25:35,511 --> 01:25:39,348 I cannot tell you the positive att... I cannot tell you what a positive att... 1602 01:25:39,515 --> 01:25:41,350 I mean, really, you gotta get in there and: 1603 01:25:41,517 --> 01:25:43,352 Ln there and: Kind of: 1604 01:25:43,519 --> 01:25:45,312 Just kind of: 1605 01:25:45,479 --> 01:25:48,315 I cannot tell you what a positive attitude will do for a blowjob. 1606 01:25:48,482 --> 01:25:50,317 - Got it. - Next, you gotta take it all. 1607 01:25:50,484 --> 01:25:52,319 - All? - You want perfection, don't you? 1608 01:25:52,486 --> 01:25:55,322 Yeah, but what if he's, like, Shaq? I'm a small girl. 1609 01:25:55,489 --> 01:25:57,449 Well, then, honey, you have to learn to unhinge... 1610 01:25:57,491 --> 01:25:59,326 ...like a fucking python. 1611 01:25:59,493 --> 01:26:02,329 You'll never be queen unless you learn to swallow the king. 1612 01:26:02,496 --> 01:26:05,332 Goddamn it, you've gotta learn to unhinge like a motherfucking python. 1613 01:26:05,499 --> 01:26:08,335 You'll never be queen unless you learn to swallow the king. 1614 01:26:08,502 --> 01:26:11,338 You've gotta unhinge like a python. Let me tell you something. 1615 01:26:11,505 --> 01:26:15,342 Well, then, honey, you have got to learn to unhinge like a fucking py... 1616 01:26:15,509 --> 01:26:18,345 Then you have to learn to unhinge like a fucking python. 1617 01:26:18,512 --> 01:26:21,348 You'll never be queen unless you learn to swallow the king. 1618 01:26:21,515 --> 01:26:23,350 Oh, my God. 1619 01:26:23,517 --> 01:26:26,311 - Becky, look at his butt. - Lt is so big. 1620 01:26:26,478 --> 01:26:28,313 Your bullshit. 1621 01:26:28,480 --> 01:26:30,315 You know what? That's bullshit. 1622 01:26:30,482 --> 01:26:33,318 - That's a lot of bullshit. - Okay, good. 1623 01:26:33,485 --> 01:26:37,322 They don't understand that they created the Frankensteins they abhor. 1624 01:26:37,489 --> 01:26:40,325 - Frankenstein was a whore? - Leave my wife out of this. 1625 01:26:40,492 --> 01:26:41,326 Imagine that conversation. 1626 01:26:41,493 --> 01:26:43,328 "We have some bad news and some good news. 1627 01:26:43,495 --> 01:26:45,330 The bad news is, we've found some growth... 1628 01:26:45,497 --> 01:26:47,332 ...in the cortex of your brain. 1629 01:26:47,499 --> 01:26:50,335 The good news is... 1630 01:26:50,502 --> 01:26:53,338 ...you can start sucking dick immediately." 1631 01:26:53,505 --> 01:26:56,341 Fantastic, I love that take, but I'll never use it. 1632 01:26:56,508 --> 01:26:57,342 All right, Sal. 1633 01:26:57,509 --> 01:27:00,345 Yeah, me too. I used to love it. Tom always... Sorry. 1634 01:27:00,512 --> 01:27:01,346 Tape this shit up. 1635 01:27:01,513 --> 01:27:05,976 Oh, my God. What do you think that means? 1636 01:27:06,518 --> 01:27:09,313 Well, when I see dogs having sex, I think it means... 1637 01:27:09,479 --> 01:27:12,316 Good, one last time just on that first part. 1638 01:27:12,482 --> 01:27:15,986 No, no, I don't think so. 1639 01:27:17,487 --> 01:27:22,326 If the rest of the world could just keep their opinions... to themselves. 1640 01:27:22,492 --> 01:27:25,329 If that's what being married's about, you can keep that shit. 1641 01:27:25,495 --> 01:27:27,331 Ain't no way this motherfucker's ever getting married. 1642 01:27:27,497 --> 01:27:29,333 - You heard? - Whatever. 1643 01:27:29,499 --> 01:27:32,336 If that's what being married's about, keep that shit. 1644 01:27:32,503 --> 01:27:34,338 Ain't no way this motherfucker's ever getting married. 1645 01:27:34,505 --> 01:27:36,340 - You heard? - Whatever. 1646 01:27:36,507 --> 01:27:38,342 If that's what being married's about, keep that shit. 1647 01:27:38,509 --> 01:27:40,344 No way this motherfucker's getting married. 1648 01:27:40,511 --> 01:27:43,347 Okay. Okay, good. 1649 01:27:43,514 --> 01:27:48,018 We've got all that? It's all covered? Cut.